way up there.

Taking a break from it all, we went to the sixth floor and opened the roof access door. I didnt expect a beautiful sight then. But amid the grey-painted surroundings, i was surprised by the little things that i've never observed before - maybe being up there and above all, u see things through a different perspective...

The afternoon sun was dying away, even though it was not blocked by any clouds; neither was it very dark. But you could sense it - the fading away, the resignation of daytime as evening approaches. The trees were leisurely swaying with the wind, and hardly any one was in school. Two swiftlets were flying above.

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know
That we're so far apart
I love you too much to make u stay
Baby fly away...

Or so i sang a chorus from corrine may. I wanted to follow the swiflets. I closed my eyes and nothing happened. The wind was still blowing, the dover HDB estate was still in front of me, and so were the grey architecture of our school. I was still sitting near the edge. Our school is indeed beautiful.

I gave up the quiet moment and asked a few friends to come up. All that reflecting, thinking, recalling, missing was taking a toil on me. I needed a hug.

I hugged cheryl for a long time. Thx...maybe that will make me last for a few more days or weeks. Free hugs are indeed priceless. We tried hugging ourselves and erupted into much laughter...couldnt believe i was smiling and laughing in a while.

When we left, i turned back and peered through the roof access door one last time before closing it: the sun seemed to have aged a little more, and it didnt seem as bright as before. But the wind kept on blowing, and the blessed quietness was ever present. I took a breath and closed the door quickly, before i started to miss the feeling of stillness and contemplation.

Immediately, i snap back to reality like a time machine.

Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe i'll find some peace tonight...

UK here i come!

I didnt study today, in fact i was hoping that today never come.
Then it was all over at 7, everything that i have prayed so hard for and it came true.
I dont think i need to say anything else, i'm happy =P Just that there are some stuff i need to do there, weeeee. Now i cant concentrate on my mugging cus im thinking too much.

Phew!

Honours day

Yeah, finally a day to relax.. Today was sort of slack, but fun.. away from the homework and exam preparation.
I tried to walk properly le hor, and i think that was the best i can go. Thanks for clapping for me =P Then something dumb happened during reception. Tay and Wilford were talking to each other and i wanted tau sua, so i asked wilford to excuse me cus i cant really walk (i was on my left leg throught the whole eating process), so i said something stupid also, something about the only way you can make me angry is not by blocking me, but by kicking my right leg. Tay knew it so he happily kick my left leg, but who knows why wilford suddenly so high and memory lost or something, went around and really swing a kick, the normal kind, on my right leg. then it was pain for the next 5 hours? now theres a swell, after i recovered from my first swell theres number 2..
I dont blame him, i cant expect the world to know about my injury. Just that i learn something-not to joke about this thing. Its bad, pian killers are already killing my memory, i need those for exams! I want to go UK!!!

why.

the pain.
the tears.
when no one hears.

the doubts.
the questions.
time for self reflections?

the process.
the past.
no need for one to ask.

the hidden.
the unseen.
hope for concern of being.

the truth?
the confusion.
the blend of both's construction.

how?
why?
dear God please give a reply.

i'm not really worried about the exams. i'm just doing what i can... perhaps i know that everythings going to be ok. so i dont worry so much.

anyway, i wish i could sing better. bleh...

the two short trips in ame's car with both her parents have been largely amusing! ahahaha

~

anyway, i have come to appreciate vaughan williams.

fantasia on a theme by thomas tallis. great stuff. takes you on journeys to england.

maybe its apt we're playing it on our london tour.

good music cant be contained.

Been listening to John Mayer recently, and today i heard '3x5' thrice already, and its one of my favourite. The more i listen to it, the more i love it. The more i love it, the more i think about it and listen to it. Over and over.

Because its a happy song, and we certainly need some of that in times like these.

Here's my mental image of 3x5:

"You should have seen the sunrise...with your own eyes..."

I am sitting at the back of the bus, trying to get a nice picture of the mountain despite of the bumpy road and jerky ride. There is laughter somewhere at the front of the bus; everyone is smiling, all excited to reach the mountain range. My hand is still shaking badly, and after a while i give up. I turn to him and smile, he holds my hand and steadies it. Finally, we get a steady shot. He was the one i loved.

The bus crawls up the mountain range, and the air gets cooler as we go round and round. Everyone is happy as their faces feel the mountain breeze. We get higher and higher up till we see a whole village below us. Houses are dispersed amongst the uneven hilltops and valleys, and the mountain range was like creases of divine silk, patternless and yet beautiful. We absorb all this nature as quickly as we can because we were on the move. The morning sunlight gently touches the land, like it touches my heart. I look at the one i love - his hair, moving in the wind, is tainted brown by the glow. It's lovely. He looks at a distance, and points straight ahead - the mountain is finally in full view to us. The clouds had moved away for awhile, and we realised that the mountain is much greater than we thought it was. Towering above us, the top was almost indistinguishable from the clouds that hovered nearby. Sounds of awe and exclamation fill the bus; all our heads pop out of the bus almost simultaneously.

But we absorbed all this wonderful nature as quickly as we could, because we were on the move.

"didn't have a camera with me this time..."

As i've mentioned in earlier posts, my life (thankfully) seems to be have a mountaintop feel to it now. But maybe, it doesn't just apply to me. Maybe every one of our lives have great beauty and mountaintop feelings too; its just that we simply don't have the right camera to capture them with.

Maybe, its all in the attitude. After all, God makes the coffee; and the cup doesn't add to the taste. And we might only capture the aromatic taste if we change our perspective.

It's true that one can be on a mountain yesterday, and finds himself being thrown all the way down today.

There are some lines that cannot be crossed.
I am a human too, and have limits to my tolerance level.
Certain people like to use their power to bully others.
Friends who betray and humiliate you are the worst of all.
I dont think im being over emo, just too sensitive.
I have my own reasons for being that upset,
more importantly, I'm disappointed and angry.

During class today, i cried...

Yay, im so happy today..LoL, dont know why also.
Went to copy CASL hours from ame in the morning. I completed it le, yippie. And for your information, i think you look good with your specs. Ignore your brother, he's just jealous you got a pricey thing on your face =P but its really nice. haha
Chapel was interesting actually, to have somebody of my kind, ie chinese educated with lots of sentence structure problem and grammer error, like me. But more importantly, the message was good, short and straitforward.
Then Honours day rehearsal.. Zzzzz.. Out of 600 people they chose to omit my name. Yeah. Mr Tim Chee was reading out the list then i couldnt hear my name, so i thought i wasnt paying attention, so after it was over, i asked ying hao to help me check my name against the list, and yes, true enough it isnt there. Bully handicap sia, now i need to walk to the front office tomorrow and tell them that the had made a mistake in missing out my name =P
P.E was even better, wanted to study at first, but ZZliu and tiong decide to pon PE to play carrom, so they were uber noisy. And i got distracted after 40 mins so i decided to take on the 2 master of carrom 1 on 1, and owned them, i won both match, then it was carrom all the way until recess ended. (my winning streak havent end yet hor)
Visited the doctor again today, wasted like 1 hour waiting for my turn, hate it man, and then dont want to walk to the car to bring my books out. But i saw some RJ girl, trying to prepare for chem paper and she was super amusing. I tried to play with my handphone, but in the end i still decided to look at her. She's like banging her head on the wall, hitting her head with the book like every 5 mins or so, and then when she found out her wattle bottle was leaking........
But anyway, the results look promising, but he still dont want to tell me if i can go UK, he say earliest by friday.. i cant wait. Tomorrow MEP and chinese prelim paper review, im ready. haha
I have no idea why am i so tired today. maybe walk too much le, or should i say jump around like some high person on drugs like that.. Violin now, im sleeping at 8 =)

Smile people, its 2 and a half more weeks to end of the exams. =P

I WROTE A SONG!

Whee! I wrote a song today! This is by me and me only. haha. I have the tune for everything except the bridge and prechorus. OH well. slow and steady. Anyway, these are the lyrics. Got copyright one hor. Dun anyhow kope!

In This Little World by Amelia Leo

Here I am, standing
Standing at the crossroads again
A part of my life is ending
A decision’s to be made again

But the world is ever before me
Full of adversity
The thought of it scares me
And so I look back and say:

Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
Wishing I could run away and hide
In this little world of you and I
Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
I’d give anything up just to hide
In this little world
Of you and I.

Here I am, recalling
All the things you said
Of innocence and laughter,
Of the promises you made

But the world is ever before me
Bringing me to reality
Promises fade to memory
So I look back and say:

Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
Wishing I could run away and hide
In this little world of you and I
Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
I’d give anything up just to hide
In this little world
Of you and I.

Maybe one day, somehow
The world will give us a chance
Maybe one day, somehow
We will conquer……

But the world is ever before me
As I struggle to understand
How time files so fast when I’m
Lost in wonderland

Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
Wishing I could run away and hide
In this little world of you and I
Wishing I could live
This part of my life just one more time
I’d give up anything, anything
Everything,
Just to be with you
Till the end of time.

~

xD

only hope

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back


love this song.

Lord lead me,

some things i dont understand.

but i trust you Lord.

Your will be done in my life.

Yeah, im done with my CASL, okay, at least 99 percent of it. I tried to cut down the hours already, but i cant. LoL. Too committed or what i dont know, but i have 63 hours of creativity, 160 hours of action, 53 of service and 53 of leadership. HAVEN and phil concert is killer, looking for sponsorship another one. Prefects and my com position helped a lot in leadership. Then still got others like Lee Li Eng, OEP trip and so on. And i counted UK tour btw, since all our hours are resetting next year, so need to count now. and there's still the com meeting stuff which i havent copied down from ame, dunno how also. maybe shouldnt include. but im letting those teacher in charge sign it before submitting, so at least its acknowledged.
~
Physio was uber fun today. At least i learnt how to walk. har har. Dont laugh okay, i failed my walking today, like nearly fell but nvm.. i will learn how to walk like a baby again.
~
I like movie music. LoL. Its nice, and adds emotion to the movie. and if you listen to the soundtrack alone, sometimes its even better. Still can analyse it. okay, whatever, i resting my whole violin.. O level practical more important than EOY exams. LoL. practise more violin!! thanks chris for the D string. Everybody should just relax, like no stress man. EOY only, steady...

why are there so many songs about rainbows?

My funny daddy told a joke today during dinner. Here goes:

"When the Americans went up to space for the first time, they realised the pen they brought up could not write on paper in space. So, they spent 12 million dollars researching and inventing a pen that could write without gravity. Do you know what the Russians did?"

"??"

"They brought a pencil with them instead."

"-______________-"

~

I was cleaning the wound on my elbow today, alone. I winced as the water touched the wound. I winced because i felt alone. haha. I think i'm just being....whats that word? 'manja'.

~

I think i'm on the brink of insanity; studying every day. Its the end of another school week and my eyebags are showing ever more prominently under my poor, abused eyes. I find myself singing the same song over and over again to myself, having sudden urges to explode and let off steam, and being overly quiet just to get other people to notice and care.
One week has passed. I still thank God for all that's happened, because it has made me stay alive for the past week. I just hope i'll never lose it like i thought i did.

I'm standing at the frontline of things; the pending decision being right in front of me, right in my face. I've tried to run away from it, but now, i'm facing it. I'm facing the crossroad. I can't see the road ahead - it is twisted and steep, and there're too many turns. I look back and see a closed door. I look on my left, and there is no one there. But i look down and see someone's hand in mine. I trace the hand with my eyes till it reaches ur face. I stare for a long time; a look of gratefulness, assurance, security and longing. You are indeed beautiful. Then I realise that at least i'm blessed for now.

in weakness and surrender.

you're the one who give shelter
and you're the light that leads me home
you're the love that gave forever
Lord you're all that I know

and all that I am
unto you I surrender
Lord there is none like you
and I know that I stand
in the arms of forever
Lord there is none like you

there is none like you

with the world upon your shoulders
Lord you gave your life away
if the world I know was over
I know I'd have life in the price you paid

and I will stand
and I will worship you forever
for all you are
and I will stand
and all to you I will surrender
I'll worship you forever


"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10


time heals.
what's passed is past.
cherish the present.
look to the future.
Trust in Him
and He will make things right.

joy is in the heart.
take joy in the Lord.
for the joy of the Lord is our strength.
every moment should be lived for Him.
all our regrets and acclaim
before Him we should bring.

the passing of time.
is a learning process.
every step is growth.
every lesson learnt is refinement.
till we reach the end
look to Him.

Time

The passing of time,
can never wash away sorrow or pain.
It just makes you more miserable,
through the cruelty of farewells.

The passing of time,
can never make one joyful.
It just makes you regret,
for not treasuring every moment of your life.

The passing of time,
can never be changed nor reverse.
For a moment we seek it and for the next,
we realised it had ended.

Yanny - i shall write my name after every poem i wrote from now on =)

Yeah, finally a poem in 15 mins. I want more time for my preperation for my exams, but i want time to fly so i can play soccer again. Irony, hehe.
I felt so great washing my leg today, and bathing the normal way =P Of course i took my time lar, before going back to wrap it up. Since my leg isnt flat, i need it otherwise i might fall over again. And it isnt as pain/ itchy as before. But i still dont know about UK. ZZZ

1 more week to go, i have no idea how to study for LA and IHS. And the mock Chinese paper's sentence structure is so bad ( I think worst than me English) that i gave up doing it liao. Now i shall be as silent as john wong. Dinner..

by Henry and Richard Blackaby

"The Lord our God spoke to us in Horeb, saying: You have dwelt long enough at this mountain."
Deuteronomy 1:6

If God allowed us to live on the 'mountaintop', we would not experience trials, but neither would we achieve any victories. At times God will graciously provide you a mountaintop experience. You may wish you could spend the rest of your life there...but remember, these mountaintop encounters are God's way of preparing you for the battles that await you.

~

It's a week to exams, but certain things have happened and somehow i find myself on the mountaintop. Everything seems to be going so blessedly well that i cant even believe it myself - and i thank God every day. But He warns us that the mountaintop is great place to be in, but a very difficult place to leave behind. Being on the mountaintop may also tempt us to stray and take His blessing for granted.

Maybe i should just tread the thin line and take the fall graciously when i have to. It'll hurt, i guess.

It takes great sin
To magnify the powers of love
It takes great pain
To sharpen the sword of resilience
It takes great suffering
To appreciate blessing
It takes a weakness
To see God's strength.

Irony heh? Well, it is true.

waiting...

Friends

Friendship

It's something no one can replace
It's also something of true grace
When things sometimes don't go your way,
your friends will be there, come what may.
They'll always find it in their hearts,
to forgive and do their part.
To trust and always have hope and faith,
There are few things on this earth so great.
So treasure friendship from the start.
And hope that it will not depart.
For it will always bring a smile,
This special love that makes life worthwhile.

By Kari Lauer

Somehow something happened today. I dont know why, and i also dont know how. Hopefully its just a misunderstanding, and i will not take it to heart. For those that dont really know me, i do treasure my friends a lot, and once there is something special going on in between me and you, you know that this will never part. No matter what others feel about you, my feelings for each and every friend will always be true.
Maybe im in the wrong, so i shall say sorry first. I dont know, for all i can tell is that nothing can break me and you up.

"All i asked for was a friend who is willing to listen to my problems, whom i can share my worries and secrets with. i thank God i have a hand-full of them"

how presumptious and infantile.

my friends know me better.

rain again.

look at the rain
it poured again
just like a deluge of sorrow and pain
seems like i have nothing to gain
feels like i can almost faint

walking down the narrow lane
stroking a horse's mane
seeing an imaginary wind vane
alas, i've never used a cane
thankfully i'm still sane
too bad i haven't met a dane
rivulets of water on the window pane
feeling my emotions wane

oh my what a rhyming game
looks like i am still the same

18th September

Ame you wear specs meh? but $200, i dont know lar. haha. for me i just go for specs still be intact after being hit by the soccer ball a lot of times. This one kena 50 plus times le, but now no more soccer... i want to see your specs!! On another note, its okay if you feel that way, i mean all of us have gone through it. Just smile and thank God =P My sis just asked a super uber ultra stupid question on the way back, and i was practical thinking about it throughout the whole journey and then laugh to myself, then she say i was crazy =) Im not telling you what question. haha.
~
Anyway im blogging now caused i just heard some emo music on 92.4FM, come com tried to turn on some other music, then play another emo one, so now i have no mood to study. Im getting more and more sensitive to music, and that's bad. I think its just me, thats why i prefer baroque or classical =P Aiyah, nvm, at least the first violin super screechy and out of tune, otherwise i think i cry le.
~
And today's chapel was interesting. On computer addiction. Me and shua got out of it le, i think its quite easy to understand for yourself as we grow old, For girls, shh, i know all of very guai de.. Remeber the times where me and shua hardcore maple, spent like 10 hours on that game a day, but at least im good at the things i play. Maple, neopets, gunbound.. So when they were desperately asking me how to quite computer games, i went like erm, cus i seriously dont know. But this is how i quit, download virus, crash your com, reboot without saving any software, so you will spent a lot of time trying to get the softwares back, and since now its exam, you wont have the mood to do it, so that means you wont touch the com. TADA. 4.12 listen up please, KOL (some com game) and carrom is going to make you do badly for your exams. Im serious lor, i mean you all can say i mug and mug whole day(which isnt true cus i have my dear violin), and then ask me how to start studying and when i tell you all, you all choose not to listen.. Hope today's exam briefing will be a wake up call..
~
2 weeks crucial period for me. A lot of follow up sessions to see my progress. I will try my best not to walk, cus there's already somebody (i wont say who) who thinks that he will miss me if i didnt go. haha. I want to go de lor, and i think i can go also. Im now looking forward to start of exams than anything else. Bathing has become something i dont really like (tie plastic bag, wrap towel, tape it up and pray hard no water goes in while bathing.) walking is uber slow and pain. But im beginning to see its all planned. Like last, last thur, which is Gab's performance, i finally understand why i made my way home myself (To ame: dont think of other things) - cus i wont be taking public transprt for super long, and that was the time that i really enjoyed myself riding alone..
~
Why is Jurrasic park so emo also? lol.. i better dont listen to music liao, playing the violin should be better, double stops!!! bb

one of my favourite hymns

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.

my family.

This is what usually goes on in the car on the way home with my brothers, my mum and my dad. Absolutely amusing? Well, i leave it for u to judge.

Before the meal, in the car:

~silence~

"Ah girl arh, you better thank your father for actually forking out 200 dollars for ur specs! I've been married to him for so many years and he hasnt paid for anything for me arh...i tell you..." says mum.

"Ya lor, you know i still rmb the small purple plastic car that he bought for me! It was the only present i ever got from you papa!!" says my older brother.

"Good what!" says dad.

"What do u mean good? you still dare to say?!" says older brother.

"Ya its good what, see it made u never forget it...got sentimental value some more." chuckles dad.

I just sit there and smile, glad that i'm the only daughter to be doted on. >.<

~silence~

I had come to my life's crossroad,
and view it as what I think it's and end.
But God has a much wider vision,
and he knows that it's only a bend.

The road will go on and get straighter
after I pause for a long rest.
The path that lies hidden beyond me,
is often the path that is best.

So rest, relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share my load.
Have faith in a better tomorrow
I have just come to another bend in the road.

I guess the poem speaks for itself. Just to comfort myself.

4 months out of sports to 6 months. And now UK trip is still a question mark. I will not be able to walk properly for 2 months. And i guess that not only God will see me through this, but my friends and family as well. Thank you everyone.
~
On a lighter note, this is to ian..
MEP was okay yesterday. Some parts are really off or should i say difficulty cus i have no idea what is it about. No notes on the score(they deleted it) then ask for he modulation. I cant hear!! Trumpet and violin in Latin America music is supposed to be Mariachi, but no such option. Grrr, so i tick mestizo which i think is wrong. But how can it be Andean? Japan music dont know kabuki or Noh theatre. World music i dont know lar. Best part is prokofiev. The history part, name the difference in the construction of ww instruments from the one used in the classical symphony and the one used in 17-18th century. And i talked about horn.. nice ww. 12 mark essay asked for second period in his life. And ian of course would have mugged about it, so he was writing 1 full page on it and me a quarter page. Its demoralising.. haha. i think i can get a 65% for the paper. At least i have completed 1 subject for my final year.

Let's mug language arts now..

bittersweet.

The day started off badly today, but as the storm cleared towards the evening, so did the problems on my mind.

The feeling of
entanglement
tying up my heart in knots.
Yet something
I would like to feel.

Strange. haha i think i am weird to some extent! I actually like bittergourd.

Anyway, all those who are mugging now, God bless and remember to seek Him each day even as u study for the exams! rmb that God grants u ur results so going into the exam hall with only book knowledge and without God knowledge is futile. For those who are facing personal problems and inner battles, know that God wins the victory and He will let u see the light soon, if u just wait patiently for His time. As the days are counting down, pray for the discipline for Him to see u through. Its something everyone needs: grace.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
they say its hard to make it
in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology, some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer to get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
in the silence i can hear Him say:

The river runs, and the river hides,
over the ocean and under the skies
but I promise u, the answer will come
just follow with patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time.

~corrine may

Tis' so true. One more thing that everyone needs: patience.

sigh

mug.

mug?

mug!

mug...

mug

study la.

today. the rain.

there's much i can say
about today
but there is no way
i can say it all okay

i'll just
write
what
comes
to
mind

rainedness

the smell of impending showers
droplets of water
descending from the sky
dive
racing each other to the ground
reaching the floor
absorbed by matter, making a pitter patter
sound
evoking feelings
engaging emotions
erupting moods

cold, wet, drench.

rain

Can think of a title

17 more days to exams, i need to find time, lucky i started early.
MEP practical was so fun, okay, at least quite fun. we played bach double for guitarist, tay and bernard played vivaldi (yes, the one zab and chung is doing now). haha, of course violin like 10 imes louder than guitar, so when we practise outside, all the guitarist like super angry. Sorry, blame the inventor of the violin.. but it went well, chat with ms ng inside the room for very long, but dont know why she laugh at the end, i think i can get above average results.

X-ray results out, ankle moderately unbalanced. Dont understand read on: ankle and leg supposed to be 90 degres prependicular to each other, it's maybe 88degrees tilted to an angle, which means it isnt flat anymore, which also kind of explain the number of falls. (degree's used is just to let you visualise) and physio postponed to friday cus im just too useless =P
Climb up 7 levels took me 20 mins.. new record (remembering the times where i can do within 1 minute). =(

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, and dont put yourself in my shoes...

THANK you..

Weeee, lucky i never pon school today. Quite fun jumping around on one leg. No lar, joking. Hate the painkillers, why dont they give me better medicines, i mean it makes you giddy and sleepy, then arent you more prone to falling down again. JK again.
Thanks foo for buying sandwich for me, and for walking with me to Music room at the end of school, i know its a bit slow.. Harhar, thanks debby, shua, jere, mat. all those who tagged on the blog, and ame and her mail. Didnt want to let most of you know what happen, cus i didnt want too much people to worry about me, but since the world knows it already, i decided to post last night, and sleep at 9. It will be better tomorrow
~
Yes, indeed we should look at the bright side of life more often. Like today in class, we were testing out the 15khz ringtone where teachers pass the age of ?? cant hear it. Adv maths teacher 30, still can hear, not fun. and it sort of got very pissing off when the whole class plays it at the same time for 15 mins, just kill your ear drums.

And duet wasnt as bad as what i had expected, considering the last time we rehearsed, which was 3 months ago was really bad.. and prac's tomorrow. Steady, i should go practise now. lol.

Tomorrow will be better, less pain killers i hope. Thank you everyone, ame especially...

the little incidents.

1. The box!

hahaha this one was funny. I was looking towards the other side of the building when i saw oli with a box in his hands. Oli then tried to put it on soonkai's head. Then soonkai snatched the box and started whacking oli with it. Randomly (haha cos i couldnt hear the conversation on the other side), oli started whacking hoe and so hoe and soonks ganged up to put the box on oli's head. But just when soonks lifted the box, it fell!! ALL THE WAY down to the ground floor from the fifth floor. LOL. One word i said: GG. haha. okay that was two words. lol! xD This, according to my system of ranking, was the funniest thing that happened today.

2. Unleashing

hahaha this happened during bio, when i unleashed my slightly violent self by whacking milton....can't rmb what he said though, that caused such an outrage. haha. But during bio in the com lab we were making fun of szemin having spoilt auggie's thumb drive or sth like that. So we were like "who ar?? who spoil one ar??" when she was sitting just opposite me. haha. so i said "hmmm...we all know her very well!!" xD (quoted from russell peters haha).

3. Spinning around...move outta my way

lol! this happened during history. It was the end of the day, so everyone was going crazy already, and ppl like jordon, khing etc went even more crazy. They started challenging each other to hold a pen in one hand, facing it to the ceiling, then spin around on the spot 20 times. If that wasnt hard enough, after spinning u must put the pen on the floor and jump over it. And so everyone started doing it lol! Khing was the most hilarious because he spun till his face turned beetroot red and he started falling over after jumping over the pen, and our teacher saw everything!!! hahaha. I laughed till my jaws ached.

Little incident #4 includes all the smiles and "hi"s i've received in a day, how milton tried to hide behind the wall to scare me though it didnt work, how someone was pulling my hair (more than one person! humph), the pats on the head i've received, the laughter, and the friendship behind all of this. And to see all of you happy!

Sometimes, after reading other ppl's post, i wonder if we should just stop posting deep, philosophical and often depressing posts for awhile and just concentrate on the little things...we dont have to do it all the time, but once in awhile, to remind us how fortunate we are.

Just seeing your smile today
makes my day.
Seeing you alive and well,
Heals me as well.
Giving is receiving,
I can't ask for more.
You've blessed me by ur presence
and the assurance........

Haha maybe not the 'assurance' persay. I have no idea - maybe its all a game to you, and maybe i'm not as serious as i think i am. Maybe i'm serious; or maybe its just a guessing-game...

here is my prayer

Nobody knows how weak I am, better than You;
Nobody sees all of my needs, better than You.
And nobody has the power to change me,
from what I was born to be.
Jesus be strong in my weakness,
empower me!

Empower me, like a rushing river flowing to the sea.
Lord send Your Holy Spirit
flowing now through me
Till I'm living as Your child,
victorious and free,
send the power of Your love,
empower me.

Nobody's eyes see through my soul, better than Yours;
Nobody's love can make me whole, no one but Yours.
And nobody has the power to lift me, to reach for eternity.
Jesus break through all my defences,
empower me.

Empower me, like a rushing river flowing to the sea.
Lord send Your Holy Spirit
flowing now through me
Till I'm living as Your child,
victorious and free,
send the power of Your love,
empower me.

anyway, msn is down for many ppl, probably cos of the 16,000 more users in Singapore this week.

here is my prayer

Nobody knows how weak I am, better than You;
Nobody sees all of my needs, better than You.
And nobody has the power to change me,
from what I was born to be.
Jesus be strong in my weakness,
empower me!

Empower me, like a rushing river flowing to the sea.
Lord send Your Holy Spirit
flowing now through me
Till I'm living as Your child,
victorious and free,
send the power of Your love,
empower me.

Nobody's eyes see through my soul, better than Yours;
Nobody's love can make me whole, no one but Yours.
And nobody has the power to lift me, to reach for eternity.
Jesus break through all my defences,
empower me.

Empower me, like a rushing river flowing to the sea.
Lord send Your Holy Spirit
flowing now through me
Till I'm living as Your child,
victorious and free,
send the power of Your love,
empower me.

The plight of yanny

Okay, for those concern(quite a lot of you), i thank you very much. This is what really happened..
Last period, talk in lecture theatre. I packed my stuff, bag not that heavy, just an extra violin case. Walk until 3rd floor, missed a step, slip, fall, sprain. GG
Just in case most of you are wondering, that was exactly the same place i sprained 3 times in 2 weeks. Before the first one can recover, there came number 2 and 3. I think they hate my ankle. So i wanted to act hero and continue to walk, but i think it was seriosuly too pain. Sat down, rub, rub, but a bit no use. Want to cry cannot cry, male leh, got female passing by =P then mdm Alice Teoh saw me, spent quite some time with me, then i decide to continue. Walk step by step, see more and more stars, decide to sit down, tell friends im fainty, BLACK.. Jason i didnt went to play soccer, i think its cold sweat when you see my whole shirt wet..
I hate it man, seriously. Whole lecture trying to see if it wears off as i didnt want to miss the duet practical. We havent practised anyway, and exams on wed. but seriously CMI, Tay was quite disappointed with me, im quite disappointed with myself. I knew something was wrong cus the leg was shaking by itself non-stop and it is quite pain when i never even add pressure onto it. Called father, in meeting, called mother sleeping, so i waited at the round about area trying to figure out what's wrong.. Chris found out about me, decide to sit down and talk to me cus i was alone, sweating and in pain, thanks. And somehow he decide to let ame know about it and i can tell that you all are worried about me.. So doctor
Jump around like some mad people at the clinic, thanks a lot for the doctor to press to see if its a swell, i think it was quite obvious. So ouch, injection for pain killer - which is very useless in my opinion, and i think i will be screaming once it wears off. X-rayed, waited for results, hopped around even more, doctor talked even more bio stuff which i dont understand at all, and i wasnt really in the mood to listening as well. 4 months MC, nice joke, as in the no PE kind. Asked me if i want to go back to school, mother said no, i said yes, for like 1min? then finial decision yes. No way am i going to miss any exams. 7 stories to climb (ah ha, talking about stairs, i have been climbing it for my life and this is the least expected thing i have ever ever expected. Just like Irwin =(. )
Whole world spamming smses now, thanks a lot seriously. Although i cant reply all, my hp bill blowing to mount everest liao, i think i got too excited with my new phone. Touched, Emo, Cant smile, feel useless, hate it.

MEP harmony paper tomorrow. Cant study. Duet, Oral, Chinese O's prelims, MEP main paper.

God, please help me.

of 13 year old girls and eating too much

This is part of a convo with the all so bubbly deborah lin, concerning Max Bruch's Romance for viola and orchestra in F major, Op.85.... i had her permission to post this

=oLiVeR= open the doors says (10:57 PM):
go listen to it!
=oLiVeR= open the doors says (10:57 PM):
the recording
=oLiVeR= open the doors says (10:57 PM):
it melts the heart
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:57 PM):
hahahahahha
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:57 PM):
hmmm
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:57 PM):
chocolate
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:58 PM):
chocolate heartt.....
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:58 PM):
mmmmmmmmmm
≠debbyoyah≠ gift of the gab says (10:58 PM):
i want to eat it!

"I am Sam"

Okay, i watched it last night and i wanted to post after that, but since im tired and emo (=P), i decided to sleep after writing my diary..
I didnt cry, neither did i tear, but that doesnt mean i didnt feel anything throughout the whole show.
Such a simple story of a father whose intelligence level is equal to a 7 year old, and the love towards his "daughter" and vice versa. It's maybe beacuse of the simplicity of the word "love" that makes this show very meaningful. The Time where the daughter refuses to read the word "difficult" as her father couldnt, because she doesnt want to accept the fact that her father is not as intelligen as her. Have we ever thought of the fact of how far we will go just to reunite with or family? Times where the only thing that spurs her on in her life, is just to see her father for a very short time. We hardly sit down and just spent a few moments to reflect on how fortunate we are actually. The extent of what a parent will do to love his children. But how many times have we turned on them? I guess we can only find this answer within us.
~
Waa, holidays. Its over. LOL. Finished physics, halfway through chem, never touch on maths. MEP nearly done. Thats very little. Sigh. 3-4 more weeks. No fear. See all of you in school tomorrow =P Swimming tomorrow btw..

singapore dreaming

poor.
debt.
school.
uni.
work.

dream.
Toto.
money.
Five Cs.
rich.

death

meaninglessness



"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"
- Matthew 16:26
God.

We always want to get what we dont have

You wake up at 4.30, wash your face, brush your teeth, take breakfast, go to school, come home and bath, homework and computer games, television + dinner, more homework and msn and finallysleep. Repeat this process everyday and find the meaning of life within it.. While some people fell in depression after completeing their essay on what's the meaning of life, since they found absoulte no meaning in it, well here's my stand: in a super super uber summarised version of my essay, The meaning of life to me is somewhere in the middle of we give life meaning (existentialism) and God gives life meaning (theistic view). Please stop asking me how to write this essay, i have given you a guideline to start off liao =P
~
"Whats with the missing mark thing. We always want to get what we dont have" - after an msn chat and "I knew i shouldnt have studied so hard for the test, didnt even know it will be so easy" - after writing reflection in my diary.
Just two sentences to ponder over. Indeed it is very true that this two sentence will always appear in our mind as long as a test or exam is concerned. There's no end to what we actually want to get. Though it is usually the stuff we dont have that we want it, but if you happen to think about it using another perspective, its more of a "greed" concept. Why is it always we cannot be contented with what we already have and want to ask for more. Why dont we just reflect on how we can get more the next time rather than complaining over something that will never be changed. Its an infinite number of things that we want in or life, but at the same time, we too have the infinite oppurtunities to get these infinite number of things. Move on...
Second sentence - simple, if you didnt study so hard for the test, do you think the paper will be easy... Always be prepared, the amount of input will be the same as the amount you will receive as the out put...
~
I'm still thinking about it. Violin at 4 today, i dont like this arrangement, considering i havent even touch it since morning. I dont want to study today, but i dont feel like playing too. hmm, lets see..

God speaks.

Today's devotion was indeed a revelation from God; and I think some of you out there really need to read it. Hope it ministers to you as it did to me.

[from "Experiencing God Day-by-Day" by Henry and Richard Blackaby]

September 9
::Returning to Your Failure::

Luke 5:5 - But Simon answered and said to Him, "Master, we have toiled all night and caught nothing; nevertheless at Your word I will let down the net."

No one knows how to help you in your times of failure as Jesus does! He will not overlook your shortcoming or simply encourage you to do better the next time. He will give you victory in the midst of your failure.
Peter had fished all night without success. His was not just a meager catch; he caught nothing, even though he was a skilled fisherman. Jesus could have said, "Peter, don't worry about your empty net. You'll soon be in a different business anyway." Instead, Jesus told him to launch out into the deep and to cast out his nets for a catch. How humbling it must have been for Peter! Here was a carpenter telling this outspoken fisherman how to fish!
Jesus often gets your undivided attention when you fail. He sometimes takes you back to your place of defeat in order to build something good into your life. You may assume He must not want you to continue because you have failed so miserably in your attempt. Perhaps your problem was that you relied on your own strength instead of the Master's. Maybe you failed in a relationship. Jesus will not allow you to abandon it; He will help you learn from your failure and experience the difference He can make when He guides your relationships. When you try in God's strength, you may discover that success^ is indeed within your grasp. If you have recently experienced failure, you may be on the brink of receiving a profound revelation from God!

^success meaning spiritual success; not neccessarily material success

God speaks. today. Think about it.

colour symphony

I decided to find a recording of Sir Arthur Bliss's 'A Colour Symphony' after some recommendations from chris and other sources. Great stuff.

anyway,

God teach me patience. Teach me not to judge people quickly.

And thank you God for those close to me.

i'm alive ame, thank you very much

here i am
here i stand
just to let you
know i can

blog a post
post on the blog
i'll make this quick
i'll keep it short

so say i
hurry in a flurry
time fleets past
i just had some curry

this is dumb
but rhyming quite fun
waste my time
constructing a rhyme

i should be celloing
no harm wallowing

since i'm here
you should hear
i won't take a year

hi all
us four
say ngee
and more

Concert review

In response to ame's post: Yes, indeed we need to lighten up. I know you want to help, just like what all friends would like to do. We share our joys, we share our problems, but unless one is willing to say out all of his problems (which isnt that likely), unless one has the time to sit down and talk about issues they are facing, we cannot help them at all. I indeed appreciate such friends, friends who are willing to lend a helping hand in time of need, but certain problems need to be solved by ourselves, that's part and parcel of life, and this is what make us stronger after all these problems. So dont worry too much, what you have done is sufficient already. Sometimes all we need is somebody who is willing to listen to our problems, thats all. Smile =P
To Shua, i know why you post that random post. Not having Wilford as room mate isnt the end of the world, and i still gave you water afterwards. But sorry anyway, seriously...
~
The concert last night was very enjoyable. Though the duration of the programme isnt worth $9 in my opinion. I especially enjoyed the first piece, Vivaldi for 4 violin. Reminds me of MEP concert when i was sec 2. I played the first movement, yay. Though the soloist werent really together with the orch most of the time, but they still made it up with their NEARLY flawless performance. I mean they are like 10-12 Years old, there's still a very long way to go. BAch double concerto was sort of owning, however, i didnt really expect the style they played in for the second movement, it just doesnt fit into baroque period, maybe i heard too much recording of that piece already. Gabriel vs Junhong still has a very big gap i must say, and i also dont understand why wilford presented flowers to Junhong, leaving the tall lady to give to Gab, its just funny.. Last movement of Holberg was nice, and me and ame jacked ourselves one time each, she wanted to clap after the violin, viola solo part, and i was laughing at her, then i told her "you can clap now" after the orch finishes the slow part, but i didnt know they were going back to the solo part again, so my bad, lucky she didnt clap. LOL. Overall, its a very nice performance, expected a 10mins piece encore though..
~
On a VERY VERY light note, I finally understand the trick in asking for a lift home is to ask very early, best time is even before we meet up for the concert, and there isnt a lot of people living in the west =P But nvm, reached home at close to 11 last night, lucky i didnt watch LOST, they said it was final episode then thanks a lot, there's part 2 coming up next week, maybe there's part 3 to it. Maybe all of us should watch "I am Sam" this sat at 10.30pm on channel 5, i think its a nice movie, not recommended for non-emo people. And shua, listening to Andrew Lloyd weber doesnt always make me emo, though it did last week.

Exams in 3-4 weeks time. Isnt a very long time away, nor is it very short, and i hate it so much because my bro will be happily playing away before i even start on my papers. But im grateful i got a nice home to study in, didnt know most of you need to go to library etc to study cus its too noisy at home. I mean, its so quiet here, and i like it. Arghh, Prokofiev.. hate physics. And smile =P

maybe we all need to lighten up.

Thanks josh for posting! now at least the online community knows u're still alive.

I look at the clock on my table: its 1242am. My table is sprawled with paper - history notes, a bio textbook, a file, medication, a moneybox, 2 cups, and picture frames. I glance at the clock again. Time hardly moves at this hour. Somehow I recall so clearly how that clock came about: dad bought it at a 1.99 shop and praised himself for getting such a good buy that can last for 2 years. I remember that moment for awhile and smile.

The time and the nothingness that I feel makes me reflect on the things of today and yesterday. Some people are feeling depressed today; yet they can only express a fraction of what they feel in their writings. But I read them anyway and my heart is burdened for them. An image of a person lying on his bed, sleepless, and another one in one corner of his room sobbing, comes to mind. For a moment, i feel their grief and pain. I snap out of it quickly. But just as it vanishes, my heart is burdened for them again.

Sometimes they whisper behind my back; sometimes they tell me they are sad because they are facing a problem. However, they do not tell me what the problem is, because they know i cannot solve it for them. Or maybe its because the problem involves me...or maybe its because a person like me would never understand them. And it brings me back to the image of sleepless nights and hopless days. Yet, it seems out of my ability to help these people. I do not know enough, I do not feel enough to help them, it seems. The problems linger and yet i am powerless.

I want to be a blessing to u, to share ur burdens with joy and understanding, to help you through the obstacles. To love all of u equally, because u are my friend. But somehow, you tell me it doesnt work that way, and i am strandes, seeing you on the sinking ship alone, drowning in the depths of your worries...

I wake up in cold tears - i thought a i was in a box which had its 4 corners closing down on me. A note explaining my name stares in my face: "Amelia: Industrious one". I wonder if i'm overdoing, over-caring. Maybe its an issue of trust. I want to love you, but you don't trust me.

A sense of deja vu i feel
this time of the night
the floodgate of memory opens
each flashing before my sight

I have been here before
I have felt it so
When friends were so far away
me being all alone

Seems that the major crisis was never solved
the issues of trust I harbour
Was trust something i was never meant to touch
and love something never to savour?

I have travelled this way before
It all seems vaguely familiar
Tracing back the steps of time
In painful memory I climb
stumbling on the cruelty of time.

i'm present, just invisible

just because i don't post often
doesn't mean i am stone
but actually i rock. ha
that doesn't rhyme
but who said
it was
a
rhyme,

i'll save a rhyme
for another time
;)

P.S. this is a random blog entry.

meaning full.

The things i learnt yesterday:

1. Never ask for more.
2. Take things as they come, doing it all for the glory of God.
3. The brutality of man.
4. The potential evil in every one of us that will be unleashed if not for the presence of rules.
5. The grace of God.
6. I'm selfish and show favouritism when i shouldnt.
7. Never to take my health for granted.

On a lighter note,

8. I learnt to love tomatoes with salad!

(oh yeah, and u ppl out there NEED to know that meat salad is protein, not fat)

9. To enjoy the company of your friends.
10. To treasure the now; because u won't know what will happen tmr.

Indeed, all this sounds so cliche; and that's what I thought too. But I realised that saying it out loud and thinking about these things does give meaning to us all.

The morning sunlight touching my skin, feeling the morning breeze
walking through the city with confidence and ease
it is a great feeling - just like yesterday
but nothing is as special because i've got today.

Believe

Maybe love will grow strong,
if i believe...

Maybe what other people say might be true. Relationship is more of an imaginative thing. To most of us, it may seem like an impossible feat to accomplish. The amount of courage you need to put in, and the amount of time needed for this relationship to last will most probably be unlimited.
To the lucky few who had a relationship so easily and is still going through one, treasure it, no matter how low this relationship goes, dont be depressed. Think of those that are trying very hard to get into one..
To those who are still trying their luck, perserverance is the key word i think, and no matter how impossible you feel it will be, there's always a beam of light in the darkness for you to find your way through, and think of those who have just fallen out of their relationship.
To those who have lost faith in the word "love", i guess standing back onto your feet is what you need to do right now. Having obstacles to overcome is just part and parcel of our life..

As for me, i fall in between the category of getting into one, and have lost faith in the word "love". Maybe this is just not my game, not my cup of tea. I really admire those that are already in one. I have been telling myself time and time again to forget about this issue, but i cant. The first step of love is infatuation, and when this infatuation doesnt go away, you know that there's something more to it. Sigh. Ambitious, yet lack of courage.
~
Its okay, final year exams just 3 weeks away. I felt really good without a com for the pass few days until this pentium 2 laptop just popped out of nowhere. Dinner awaits, take care guys.

Believing in GOD is always the best solution out of darkness

Crappy com, nice handphone

Arghh, i hate my com. Lol, everytime i asked myself to give up and stop working on it, i wont. And i cant fix it..Using my father's laptop now, i know i shouldnt be blogging, but nvm. hehe
~
Prokofiev is indeed very time consuming to remember, especially with all the keys going on and the bitonalism/polytonaly which makes key remembering all the more harder. Subject 1a, 1b, 2.. I have no idea on what type of 12 marks question on Prokofiev classical symphony that will come out for O's, and we havent really tried any so far, apart from mid-year where Mr Lee asked about what were the reactions of the people after listening to the work (or something like that) which is totally out of point in my opinion. At least i finished studying and remembering all the keys and what wil happen etc for the whole of the first movement. That took me 3 days? lol. 1 more movement and im done with it =P Oh yar, and for those who are interested, i finished my composition!! yipee
~
Actually i found out that i'm actually able to survive without a com, and i dont feel a need to use it now. Maybe destroying your com will indeed aid in your preparation for final year exam. I'm not interested in getting it fixed now either, so i shall live without one.
~
My new handphone is seriously cool to the max.. Maybe im just not used having such "high technology" stuff. I have been playing with the video cam whenever im free. I havent really got back all my lost contacts so far, zzz, hate it when you overwrite all the info in your sim card, so dont feel surprised if i reply "who are you" =P
~
Cant really use this com for long, besides, i dont think im supposed to access this website. More violin, more mugging. Im finishing chem and physics liao, Yay. Hope these 2 marks will go up, cus these are my worst subjects =P See most of you at Nafa's concert. Go Gabriel =)

two thoughts.

one:

The Bible is a two-edged sword. We who worship Him should do so in spirit and in truth. In spirit: with all sincerity, together with the spirit; with love, grace, mercy and compassion. But in truth, the Bible condemns. The clear line of right and wrong. Of the salvation of God's children and the eternal damnation of those unsaved. The truth blesses and hurts; but its the truth. And we must still worship Him in both spirit and truth, and not just in one aspect of it.

two:

er...i kinda forgot what the second thought was. Oh well.

hmmm.

akeelah and the bee

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

When Akeelah read the quote out loud, it didnt make much sense to her at first. It was in simple english, and she was a spelling bee finalist. But i guess its the simplest things in life that we all dont get.

We look high and low, but not within ourselves.