maybe we all need to lighten up.

Thanks josh for posting! now at least the online community knows u're still alive.

I look at the clock on my table: its 1242am. My table is sprawled with paper - history notes, a bio textbook, a file, medication, a moneybox, 2 cups, and picture frames. I glance at the clock again. Time hardly moves at this hour. Somehow I recall so clearly how that clock came about: dad bought it at a 1.99 shop and praised himself for getting such a good buy that can last for 2 years. I remember that moment for awhile and smile.

The time and the nothingness that I feel makes me reflect on the things of today and yesterday. Some people are feeling depressed today; yet they can only express a fraction of what they feel in their writings. But I read them anyway and my heart is burdened for them. An image of a person lying on his bed, sleepless, and another one in one corner of his room sobbing, comes to mind. For a moment, i feel their grief and pain. I snap out of it quickly. But just as it vanishes, my heart is burdened for them again.

Sometimes they whisper behind my back; sometimes they tell me they are sad because they are facing a problem. However, they do not tell me what the problem is, because they know i cannot solve it for them. Or maybe its because the problem involves me...or maybe its because a person like me would never understand them. And it brings me back to the image of sleepless nights and hopless days. Yet, it seems out of my ability to help these people. I do not know enough, I do not feel enough to help them, it seems. The problems linger and yet i am powerless.

I want to be a blessing to u, to share ur burdens with joy and understanding, to help you through the obstacles. To love all of u equally, because u are my friend. But somehow, you tell me it doesnt work that way, and i am strandes, seeing you on the sinking ship alone, drowning in the depths of your worries...

I wake up in cold tears - i thought a i was in a box which had its 4 corners closing down on me. A note explaining my name stares in my face: "Amelia: Industrious one". I wonder if i'm overdoing, over-caring. Maybe its an issue of trust. I want to love you, but you don't trust me.

A sense of deja vu i feel
this time of the night
the floodgate of memory opens
each flashing before my sight

I have been here before
I have felt it so
When friends were so far away
me being all alone

Seems that the major crisis was never solved
the issues of trust I harbour
Was trust something i was never meant to touch
and love something never to savour?

I have travelled this way before
It all seems vaguely familiar
Tracing back the steps of time
In painful memory I climb
stumbling on the cruelty of time.