BBC orchestra

Somehow i am appreciating simple things in life..

Chinese O level exams ended yesterday and i thought that it wasnt that hard, unlike most of my other classmates. I'm just glad that the preparation before it was enough to make me stay calm when spamming answers. 2 hours isnt a lot, but anything more would actually make me sleep, seriously. So now, lets just wait for the results which is...

BBC concert was complete ownage. I think this is the best one i have gone to within this year. They are just super uber ultra duple powerful, the phrase is out of my vocabulary level =P Mozart's piano concerto was quite enjoyable, though its slightly different from all the recordings i have heard.EncoreS were definitely a blast. Timpani player was cool, followed the conductor's baton before playing, never out of time. All those running scales and melody by the wws were close to perfect. Double harpist, 8 double basses, 4 horns, all we need is half of their standard =P

Chan was quite funny at rehearsal today, i think he was greatly affected by how we played the bernard tan piece. I mean if you changed the meter it sounds about the same as E.T ( the music in the movie where they went on their bicycle and fly..) sounds abit jazzy, and i totally dont like to count how many times we have played the same motif.. cool piece for sightreading though with so many accidentals throwing us off time and time again. Rutter sounded great, if we can play together. And i agree that Hoe Yong is super patient (dont know whether he is reading this, hehe) apprectiate the things that he done with us, i mean just look at respighi, the first violin intro especially.. thanks =P

More 10 - 5.30 rehearsal coming up, and its 2 more weeks. I like those lunch breaks in between. Looking forward to it though. Its sort of cold tonight. Next concert this thursday and MEP paper on friday, thats why i need to study now, not really start cus i started not long ago.. Sis bday coming up, i have no idea what to buy for her, maybe just write another song bah, but i dont really have time. haha. See you all tomorrow, and please rest well, this period is called super stamina training =P

stres.

there are a thousand and one things on my mind, i am physically worn out and in dire need of sleep. but loopy losh is here blogging.

call me weird, but i wish i could go back to the days before exams. those are a part of the most memorable days of the year. yes. studying with keef, dandan and dongs. those were the days which we had a focus, which was simply to mug for upcoming exams. though we didnt usually accomplish that much, but there were no other sources of stress, and i count those days as one of the least stressful days. all we had to care about was to mug. maybe its just me, but i feel then is less than now.

now everything comes crashing down.

uk tour approaches, but i dont feel as excited as i think i should. maybe its because there is much work to do, alot of practising to be done. it just isnt as special as the pre-Kunming days. all the effort and anticipation surmounted to a great trip, beautiful memories, wonderful friendships, the unforgettable arctic experience, the kids, the village food, the animals, the yucky toilets, the games, the hospital, the stone forest, the stars. and everything else. heh.

pressure pressure.

i havent done anything in preparation of the upcoming holidays. yes, preparation for holidays. preparation for work. lots and lots of work. lots of words to write. thousands in fact. EEs, TOK essays, Econs IAs, World Lit assignments, Music compositions, preparing for piano practicals next year which translates to new pieces to learn and whatnot. everything looms ominously. i have no idea where to find the time to do all that, when i think about it. its a lose lose situation. if i think about it, i worry, if i dont think about it, i worry too. ha ha. how absurd.

i still cant believe how holidays are still termed holidays. i remember reading this article in TODAY some time back about how holidays should be purely holidays. yeah i wish. sigh. the irony. why cant they just name it 'stay-at-home-and-do-work-instead-of-attending-lessons-in-school days?' that might make me feel better. or not.

ramblings ramblings. just need an output for my thoughts. doesnt matter whether anyone cares.

how often its so difficult to see the task ahead, to feel fear. to be afraid, and weakened when we see the obstacle in front of us. how oft we forget the God that is in control of everything, of our lives, of the animals, the plants, the sky, the sea, the trees, the Earth. how oft we let ourselves be overcome, and forget to acknowledge His sovereignty. for philippians 4:13 says, 'I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.'

Indeed how many times have we relied on our strength and failed. how many times have we failed to seek God and His righteousness. today as i took time out in the CPA, i looked up and took notice of the verse etched on the side wall. It read, 'Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. -Psalm 37:4' Then i remembered the importance of being in the Lord, to keep our focus on Him, to live in a way that would be pleasing unto Him, to bring Him glory. for what is our lives lived for? or rather, for whom? is it for yourself? for your friends? for your family? not for me. I live for God. He is our purpose.

i pondered today. about what would happen if everything just fell away? what then would be left? earthly, tangible objects? Matthew 24:35 says 'Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.' Salvation in Jesus promised an eternity in heaven with Him. For only He is eternal, everything is temporal. i thought about it, and found it at first a little hard to comprehend. maybe its because we're so entrenched in the world now. maybe its time we did a little uprooting and spent more time with the omnipresent God. but its always so difficult. thats what prayer is for. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says 'Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.' Thats what we should do.

ah. i feel slightly better. yeah. its all in His hands, His control.

Lord I surrender all.

what i am doing is totally unnatural.

but unlike the rest,

i will live a supernatural life.

i will do Your bidding.

Its 10 plus now, but i need to get the instrument insurance thing done, and the rooming list as well...In other words, im tired =P

Well, orch went pretty well today, i think. We are splitting for SYF, not really a nice piece of news for me, i prefer to go in together. And we are seriously short in numbers, with me and ame as second violin plus maybe one or two more, that means the vibrato exercise we did today wasnt for fun, cus we will need to use it which means we need more practise.

Chinese O level on monday, the practise papers are quite hard, and im doing other sample papers on my own, its the same kind of work load before exams, and violin is somewhat addictive compared to studying, but both are equally tiring. Oh yar, for those who didnt notice, I GOT A NEW CASE.. yay.. and theres my name inside the case which i think its quite cool, at least i can walk in the rain with it now, and theres number lock. Its light, black, shock proof, weather proof, classy and funky!! ( minus the bullet proof, radioactive prrof part that i wanted for my dream case. hehe ) but at least i like it. As for the price, its more than 2 times of what we paid for our classical guitar that we bought in year 1.. go figure it out yourself. The guitar cost 120. So now i think im broke, considering i minus quite a large sum for my UK tour, okay, im not thinking about it now..

Theres quite a lot of orch stuff to clear up now..

for all i did.

screw.

i've made myself an emotionless dog. killed a part of me, so that things would work out fine. and it seems the world wants to make it harder.

why.

all i did was try to make things fine.

It was a dreamy night. Laughter here and there... joked around abit. But it seemed the people I really wanted to talk to didn't want to talk to me. I whiled the night away, exchanging momentary smiles with many. But at the end of it all, I felt empty. Detached from everything. everyone. I left before most of the crowd. At the bus stop, i wished for someone to talk to. A small group of familiar people seemed to come closer. But they stopped. Hestitated, it seemed, and went across the road.

Maybe that is why i care so much. That is why i try to be encouraging. Because I need it. And i never get it. And i know how it feels.

Why do I not say as much nowadays, you ask.

Its because,

no one ever says anything back to me anyway.

天下无不散之筵席

“再见” 这两个字能够换来快乐， 回忆， 伤感。。。

四年的中学课程即将结束。人们常常说在中学时结交的朋友是永远也忘不了的，而我最近才领悟到这个道理。为什么我们总是要等到分手的那一天，才懂得珍惜一切呢? 也许这就是人的本性吧。

中三和中四的学习生涯是我毕生难忘的。这值得回忆的两年，说长不长，说短也不短。朋友的鼓励与帮助可说是我在这两年里最大的推动力。原本还以为能够在明年再见到他们，幸运的话，也许还能和他们同班，但我却忽略了许多种种的因素。我错了。不管明年的安排是如何，还是唤不回来我们这一班在一起的时间和快乐。

我会永远怀念我们在一起踢球，一起吃饭，一起玩耍的那些时侯。

刚下完的这场雨，把我所有的烦恼给洗掉，也为我们这一班画上完美的句号。四点十二这“音乐班” - 再见 =P

tired.

its one of those i-don't-feel-like-doing-anything-at-all-this-very-moment-and-i-wouldnt-mind-going-to-sleep kinda times.

and im tired. heh.

sleep awaits.

insurmountable is a cool word. its quite long too. haha. keesiao already.

hax.

it seems the title has no relation to the post.

ah yes. i love writing.

and there he sat, wobbly, with a green glass bottle in his hand, his mind dysfunctional. perhaps he had too much to drink, he thought. He peered at the label on the bottle. It read, 'Oldenlandia Water'. He chuckled to himself. Torrents of pain splashed through his head at intermittent intervals. His stomach churned. It felt very weird getting the 'i'm gonna be sick feeling'. His throat didn't feel right. Perhaps he had eaten something wrong.

in the midst of feeling horribly ill, his mind wandered. Thoughts raced through his head as though they were marathon runners competing to win a million dollars. (But at this juncture a million dollars didn't appear to mean very much to him) He reminisced about the past, recollected the memories that were more pleasant, shoving away those which brought pain and heartache. On the surface he acted like a drunkard, but in his head he was more than sober. Outward appearances, more often than not, can be deceptively deceiving. He thought about that.

He began to compose himself, sitting upright. Things are going to get better, in some way or another. Sometimes you just want so badly to let go, but you know you can't. For some inexplicable reason something somewhere clung on, in its stubborn refusal to be free. Free of the worries. Free of false hope.

Alone.


sian. PHYSICS PRACTICAL(S).

Richard Strauss's 'Eine Alpensinfonie' (An alpine symphony) takes you on a terrific journey. It's scoring is, in one word, immense. Without any vocal parts, it requires an orchestra of 150 members:

• 2 flutes + 2 piccolos
• 2 oboes + cor anglais + heckelphone
• e-flat clarinet, 2 b-flat clarinets and bass clarinet
• 3 bassoons + contrabassoon
• 4 french horns + 4 wagner tubas
• 4 trumpets
• 4 trombones + 2 bass tubas
• (optional offstage band of 12 horns, 2 trumpets and 2 trombones, which makes it 20 horns, 6 trumpets and 6 trombones in total)
• timpani requiring 2 players
• glockenspiel
• bass drum, side drum and cymbals
• triangle, cowbells, tamtam
• wind machine and thunder machine
• celesta
• pipe organ
• 2 harps
• first violins (ideally 18)
• second violins (16)
• violas (12)
• cellos (10)
• double basses (8)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! horns outnumber first violins.

anyway, of late i have discovered the music of Richard Strauss and the Johann Strauss family, though the former and the latter are totally unrelated. Richard for the deep artistic stuff and Johann for the happy things in life.

no more 3x5s.

Okay let me recall my cycling trip with mum, dad, fraser, yuhan, her dad, and hose.

1. We were approaching our 9th kilometre towards the town, and we came across an old man riding the rust-ridden bike of his. We caught up with him in a matter of seconds, but i remember him because he had a friendly grin and he asked us if we had a hotel to stay in. I remember him because he was a stranger that showed kindness.
He was a good man.

2. The beach was deserted; we were the only ones there. Watching the waves roll in and picking up shells brought back the joy of simplicity to me. At that moment, i didn't have to think about assignments, i didn't have to think about life's unanswered questions. I could smile, genuinely, at the constancy of the waves, i could laugh as we slid down the hill of sand. I could take refuge in the slow, rocking movement of the hammock.
The three beautiful things: family, friends, nature.

3. I was given a chance to get adrenaline pumping through my system - by climbing this steep mini-cliff made up of red soil. We termed it the red mountain. Fraser, doer of all things crazy and risky (haha), climbed it first and my mum snapped away with a camera. It was precariously steep, but once he made it, yuhan and i were at it too. It was frightening when the hard soil below u started to crumble beneath u, rolling down to the ground 5 metres down. It was an almost vertical climb, but with a helping hand we both made it to the top too.
Immense satisfaction there.

4. haha i don't know if i should post this, but watching fraser eat the meat of a coconut is darn amusing. My parents agree too, haha. You could see him in intense concentration, digging away on the inside of the coconut, trying to get the white flesh out. He never gave up: he was at it before dinner, during dinner, and after dinner! haha such determination.

5. All i remember is cycling near the sea, enjoying the scenery of vast lallang fields, coconut trees and attap houses. The endless, straight main road tempted me to speed ahead, but the joy of cycling long distance is also in cycling together. There was hardly anyone anywhere: a good hideout from civilisation.

So now i'm back, from a well-deserved break, and a well-deserved tan. lol.

Pictures can only tell you this much.

tried kwong's sax yesterday. i think i'm cut out to be a woodwind player. clarinet or sax at least.

We saw our report slip today. Of course there were people that were not happy about it, but i chose to be contented with myself, not because i have done well but because there's no point in "hoping for things that we wanted but we didnt get". Maybe we should just stop a while and think on this phrase, i learnt it from ame de. It has to do with all of us, the way we look at things. Like what wa shared during chapel this morning, about "the countless emails you need to reply, but its because you have many friends that care for you".. and so on, its the same. Change your perspective for once, and maybe everything will appear to be different from what you expected..
~
But then again, somehow I feel that we shouldnt worry so much, or think of too many unnecesary stuff. I mean we will know what to do when the time comes..
~
I have 3 wishes now, dont try to guess them =P

tommy emmanuel

tommy emmanuel + acoustic guitar = pure ownage.

just search the name on youtube and watch :)

masterclass was one of the best 2 hours i spent. 20 bucks was well worth it :)

I wanted a break from violin, but nobody wants to give it to me. So we rehearsed the masterclass piece on sat one day after my prac, and there's another session on tomorrow. So no break, i guess until after UK tour. Common fingers, you can do it...
~
I just watched the matrix, not my first time, but its still quite cool. The philosophical part is interesting. Neo and Smith are too pro le, i wont want to meet them in my life, punch each other with so much force... Wonder whether our army will use those super big machines that shoot uber big bullts at those sentinels, then you have people shouting reload all over the place, but i think it will be interesting. I cant wait for TOK next year after the introduction by my POD teacher on fri, he went to explain so many things that we dont even understand.
~
My father is in Korea now. And he bought a very big fridge before that. Now he wants a plasma tv... Sometimes i think of why particular people getting promotions will make them so happy, but when you think of him getting stuck at that status for dont know how many years and finally seeing all your labour and hardwork being acknowledged and appreciated, the answer might be quite obvious.. All i can do now is ask him to save up =P
~
More carrom tomorrow. Theres some promotion exercise going on and i have no idea whats that. Sleep!!

Its been a depressing evening.

And i realised i've been labelled "Oliver the annointed violinist" on hoe's blog. Oh God help me to live up to that. (not the violinist part. i'm a violist please)

Anyway, results were good. Thank God.

24.

I transcribed Psalm 24 into song lyrics - the tune should be coming up soon. I figured last night during quiet time that God has blessed me so, so much; academically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. In every aspect of my life, i find myself so undeserving of many things. So the very least i could do for Him was to write a praise song. So here goes.

Psalm 24

(v1) All the earth is the Lord's;
On the flood it was founded.
Of the fulness we dwell in,
On the sea it was grounded.

(refrain) Who shall ascend to the hills?
Who shall stand in His place?
Only one with clean hands
Can see His face.

(v2) The people who seek Him
Receive blessing and righteousness.
The God of their salvation
Rewards their faithfulness.

(refrain) Lift up your heads, ye gates,
The King shall come in.
The Lord, strong and mighty,
He'll save us from sin.

(coda) All the earth is the Lord's
On the earth it was founded.
The King of all glory;
Our Lord, it is He.

results

though they weren't great or fantastic

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

Amen.

thanks be to Him.

for all the blessings.
for the wonderful friends.
for the encouragement.
for being there, always.

i quote amos. 'He's the boss'

yeah. i wouldn't even be here if He didn't allow for it.
i wouldn't have an ACS education.
i wouldn't have been where i am today.
i wouldn't have passed all my subs for final year. and the unexpected 7 for the english paper.
wow.

praise God for 32 points.

praise God indeed.

i wanna play munchkin.

The Big Day - It's over!

Results - not going to say much about it, but i was a bit excited before that. 38 without bonus, 76 average, lowest Language arts (60) =P, most surprised subject - adv maths(86), physics was a relief(71), chinese was okay (85), chem was more or less there (79), IHS was an improvement (73), i think i can do better on c maths (84)... Overall, im quite pleased with my results =D
Lessons learnt - Start studying earlier will always be the better option & Hard work pays off definitely.

To those who have done well, congrats - you deserve it, and do be contented.
To those who have tried but did not achieve your target, there's always a second chance, dont give up =P
To those who did not bother about this exams - Another lesson learnt?
~
Practical - Haha, its finally over. I just couldnt stand the wait before that. My heart was beating quite fast in the morning, and i thought that i was actually no use worrying about such stuff. The release of results just made it worst, though i was quite happy after that. The out of tune piano in the practise room didnt help much either. I hate the part where they need to adjust my standing position so that both of our faces will appear in the camera.
The encouragement from my friends and teachers indeed helped quite a lot. The chat in the music room before the prac was enjoyable. More importantly, the fact that its over is definitely the best of all.
Duet tomorrow... I need a break from violin after this.
~
Theres still the main paper, harmony paper, and CHINESE!!

SAF video.

The lights dimmed and led us to focus on what was showing on the screen. The camera focused on one boy, in the midst of many. They were all seated on red plastic chairs - those that people rent during funerals. They all looked forlorn; an unforgiving tear rolled down the boy's cheek. A sad piano instrumental was playing in the background. Afterwards, the camera zoomed out and i found out that he was not the only one. There were countless of them sitting on the same red plastic seats, and more were hugging their parents, friends, girlfriends. They were all 18 years old.

Then, the sad thought came into my head. I felt immense dread, for what is to come.

I wondered if i would ever have the strength to part, to separate, from you.

something unusual, something strange
just a little older, that's all...

experience.

many a time its not what you get in the end.

its the process that truly matters.

experience gained, feelings relieved, emphatic, inexplicable joy through it all.

and transcending peace.

whew.

praise God.

suddenly i know somewhat how tchaikovsky felt when he wrote his 5th.

I had asked.

How to overcome cheap emotions. Cheap feelings.

2 ways.

Greater love,

or pure hate.

the latter being simpler and easier.

Slow and steady wins the race

Haze... where's the rain?
Something interesting just happened. I went to ame's house today to practise my practical which is on this thursday. Kobe's cute =P bite my toe until theres a hole in my sock, but that's not the point, it listenened to me play my violin! So i shall forgive it. haha. On my way home at boon lay mrt, i was walking at a rather slow pace to berth 9, which is actually quite a far walk. Knowing that im injured and have not recovered yet, I have mentally prepared my self not to chase for the bus, no matter how tempting it may be, or how long i must wait for the next bus to arrive. 3 secondary school students ran past me, apaprantly trying to chase a bus. Then came along 2 females, and it looked s if they were racing against each other, cause they started at a rather slow pace and both of them were continuosly over-taking one another. They were followed by 3 adults, behind. Its quite comical, but little did i know that they were actually running after 199 (which is my bus). I just kept on walking, thinking about what had just happened.

If you would have guessed it already, i arrived just in time to board to time. This was just pure ownage as i soon realised that the 8 of them were on the same bus as me. For those that dont reguarly take a bus from boon lay interchange, berth 9 is the last berth and i need to walk about 300-400m. Haha, i just cant stop laughing on my way home...

untitled.

lately all music related results have been disappointing.
today was no exception.

sigh.

Lord be the strength in my weakness.

TOK day 1: science, technology and my views.

1. My most pressing question would be that of the quality of life and the essence of life (which is survival). Is it right for the quality of life to supercede the essence of survival? Dr. Keith Goh brought out the example of a 30 year-old patient who decided to die rather than to remove her brain tumour because she was warned that the surgery would remove her ability to speak. She eventually passed away, leaving behind two young children. Unthinkable as it seems, she claimed that losing her speech would decrease her quality of life so drastically that she was as good as being dead. But how true can this be? I feel that her decision was too rash - I mean, her mere presence in the lives of her children would mean the world to them; and she could still bring them up (albeit with some assistance) even without being able to speak. Her life would still have quality; it would still be meaningful.
This tragic incident has caused me to ask this: In today's society, have we gone so materialistic that we have neglected the essence of life, letting the quality of life take priority instead? In the past, people worried about contracting fatal diseases and to them, the need to survive was all there was to living. But now, it seems that living comes under a whole new definition: to live, we must not only be physically breathing, we must lead a qualitative life od success. This materialistic view of life has caused us to neglect the essence of life altogether. In my opinion, life in itself is sacred and hence should be preserved at all cost, except when Nature has to take its course and allow death to occur. Other than that, I feel that even in a modern context, we should never lose sight of the sanctity of life. We should never let the quality of life hinder us from preserving life.

2. Does technological advancement mean the end of mankind? In debating the pros and cons of teachnology today, I feel that the more pertinent issue would be: to what extent should technology advance at teh sake of human morality? In other words, is technology the cause of the immorality of Man today?
In my opinion, technology is not to be blamed for the emergence of pornography, rapists, murderers and countless other immoral elements eminent in our society today. Technology is a tool; it is a double-edged sword. It can be used for the greater good, and yet with every good intention comes the bad. When Bill Gates invented Microsoft and eventually caused the founding of the world wide web, he never had the prosperity of the pornographic industry in mind. One cannot deny the usefulness of a technology such as Microsoft or the internet, but one also cannot be blind to the detrimental effects the internet has inflicted on the society. Ultimately, technology is a tool, and it is the person utilising the tool that determines if good or harm is wrought.
So what is the cause of such immorality in the modern age? I believe that we've only got ourselves to blame. We all know that great knowledge comes with great responsibility, but we must also take note that maybe the nature of Man has left us incapable to take full responsibility for the things we have created i.e. technology. By observing what the internet has brought about - paedophiles, rapists, stalkers, perverts, murderers etc. , it is not difficult to conclude that Man is indeed not mature enough to handle the great knowledge of technology and the power that comes along with it. There is a reason why God forbade Adam and Eve from consuming the fruit from the tree of good and evil - it was because He knew that we, as humans, were not fully capable of managing the responsibility that came with such knowledge. As it turned out a few thousand years later, God was right after all.
Is there any solution to this problem then? With the problem being of Man having too much knowledge to 'handle', I do not see a solution to solve the immorality that has invaded our society today. In fact, the advancement of technology has magnified the wicked nature of Man, as much as it can be argued that it has brought out the good in others. For example, the internet has led to the creation of millions of unhealthy sites (to be available to the masses); but countless have used it for educational, and even evengalical purposes. Thus, though it seems that for every good technology that is invented a bad consequence is wrought, I have no objections to technological advancement as yet because it's something that 1. at least brings about a little good in the world, 2. it's something that is futile to stop alotogether anyway.

disappointed. hopefully not discouraged.

It came today.

Didn't turn out as well as i expected.

But oh well.

118.

of cliques and friendship.

A Short Story

He just sat there, on the bleachers, eyes transfixed on the field. On the track were people playing hockey, and on the field, frisbee. Images eroded into words, and words transcribed into thought. He remained motionless, almost oblivious to the surroundings.

'Come,' she had said, 'and join us for a game of frisbee!' He politely declined, citing reasons of fatigue. Unknowingly, she scurried off, quickly absorbed into the game, enjoying pure sporting fun. Looking on, he noted the dense colours of the school emblem, emblazoned on their clothing. Of red and blue, the oh-so-familiar colours that he grew up with, now seemingly aberrant at sight, even unusual. It was not about the awkwardness that bothered him, but the fact that he felt he wouldn't belong if he were to join the group. He was one who kept mostly to himself, not overtly extroverted, only speaking at times when he needed to, or felt that he should. This appeared to be one of those times where silence reigned supreme as his mind was in a whirl, deep in thought.

The whole scene at present struck him as a case of deja vu. The feeling was immediate, and pretty overwhelming, resulting in his current state of contemplation, his mind trying its best to piece the fragments of the afternoon's events together, just like a jigsaw puzzle. It was as though God was trying to say something to him, and he, indeed, felt a strong conviction to believe its true.

It had been three years.

The wall kept growing, albeit gradually, but the effect was cumulative. It took him till now to realize the weighted impact of that wall. It was the wall between their friendship. Of he and she. A certain she, not the one aforementioned. He met her too, today, which would explain the feeling of deja vu. The feeling of being left out, be it purposefully or unintentionally. Exclusion.

There was some exchange of words. Superficially. There was so much they could have talked about. So much he had to tell her, to catch up, to remember old times. But nothing came out. Much. Under the guise of a perceptibly normal tone of voice in an undeniably casual conversation, he heard the overtones. The dejection, the hint of envy. To him, they were as audible as thunder. But all he could do was sit there, pushing a smile on his face, although genuine, was painful. He listened with patience, sincerely concerned, yet the feeling of helplessness seeped through. And she was gone. There was nothing he could do, at least for that moment.

He walked down memory lane as recalled the times they had together. One particular memory stood out. It was at a chalet. Both of them were doing a crossword puzzle, enjoying each other's company. Another one came just that instant, one of a camp. The subtle joy, the little nuances of love. The glint of hope shimmered away slowly, as it all came to pass. Until now.

It seemed so long ago. The valued friendship began to fade as the clique emerged. Ironically it seemed to him that it happened very slowly, yet days turned to months, and months to years. If only he could turn back time. It was entirely unintentional. He could only stare and wonder. Regret dominated for that fleeting moment, but just like anything else, it was merely a passing phase.

It was time.

He retreated from his pensive mood and looked once again at the field, a smile reappearing on his face, one of joy that emanated from within as he watched a friend enjoying time well spent with other friends. He realized it was time.

Time to leave.

Time to do something about the situation.

yannyhanny@hotmail.com

I hate being torned apart by friends, but it happened to me twice today...i shall not say what happened
~
I just got a promotion (at least this is what i shal term it) to second violin section leader. Zab was moved to first beside chung, wilford beside me. Its sort of a mixed feeling, cus i actually took quite a lot of effort to understand her movements, actions, cues etc and now i need to start all over again and work it out with wilford. And i was quite surprised of what chan actually said about me. But can you all stop moving second violinists to first violin, cus i think its a little unfair to us. Now it will be double the effort, but the output will be the same. Sigh, Wilford jia you please, i think i need you now =(
~
I have a new email account...
Lets forget about the last one

Botanic gardens on a friday.

1. The dancing lily pads
We were directly in front of the pond, having our breakfast. The morning breeze passed by, caressing the lilies in the pond. The tender green leaves were dancing in the wind, like youthful couples serenading in the childish game of first love. The edges of the lily pads fluttered upwards, like how the skirts of young girls did on the dance floor. It was a beautiful, energetic dance; where the old can learn the steps, but only the youth can dance.

2. Sparrows
Those brown, fragile birdlings gathered around the two ladies who were giving out bread crumbs. They seemed almost unaware of their small stature; going so close to the two not of their kind. They eagerly nibbled at the crumbs,and then hopped gracefully in a pack, back to the grass patch where they came from.
Even the sparrows are taken care of; what do we have to worry or fear?

3. A song request
A curious caucasian man came up to me with his video camera and requested a piece on a violin! Fairly reluctant, I played Salut D'Amour for him. Eventually, he stopped recording and after I stopped, he smiled and said it was wonderful and good.
I had a wonderful audience.

4. The 'seven year-old boy
He was just so amused by the violin - the song, the bow, the strings, everything. He ran up the hill with his two little feet and fized his eyes on me. In his innocent gaze, there was a whole spectrum of emotions; of amusement, amazement, bewilderment, and utter curiosity. He stretched out his baby hands and beckoned me to let him try. Soon, his parents pulled him away, laughing. His father asked me when I started playing the violin; and his little boy insisted he was seven years old.
Maybe someday, ten years from now, we would realise that we once met a violin prodigy.

5. 'Santana' in the taxi
Our cab driver was guitarded! You should have seen him rattle on about Santana, Jimmy Hendrix and what not. All so knowledgeable and passionate. He let us listen to a Santana track on his radio, and, along with him, we mused about how the piece was only based on eight chords - Santana's genius was in the improvisatory riffs. Complaining about the government banning a Santana concert here, he lamented that people condemned this great guitarist because he smoked too much marijuana.
As we vlosed the doors on him, he insisted that music is the food for the soul; with that same passion in his voice again.
Definitely hard-core guitarded...you should have been there with me, you should have met him.

6. MRT rides
I'll never get over the mild thrill that I feel when I get on an mrt train. I mean, it's like entering a capsule and then when the door opens, you're in an entirely different location. Haha..maybe that's how close we can get to teleportation.

7. My second song finally has a tune! It's cool with 7th and 9th chords and suspensions. haha x)

8. The bus ride home today was dreary. The bus took so long to arrive. But i had to take that bus, i had to. I would rather miss the rest that could take me home. After all, its the journey that counts - and today, it counted, even though i was disappointed again.

Yes, the journey counts. Look at how many things i learnt at the botanic gardens yesterday.

whew.

praise God.

111.

yay.

its playtime.

Today was a great, great day.

1. Lying on the beach
I plopped myself on my blue mat, and put on my sunglasses - yes, the big, green-framed ones. haha. I looked up at the sun, without squinting. I looked around, taking in the sand of the deserted beach, the blue blue sky, and the calm sea. I plugged in John Mayer and lay there for an hour, soaking up the atmosphere of ultimate relaxation. At "My Stupid Mouth", the lyrics "the joke's on me" made me laugh a little to myself. The wave's calm yet rhythmic movements at the background made me even happier.

Indeed, this was the life. :)

2. Dinner!
The gathering at mel's house was an eye-opener indeed! I learnt the keith loo is a fabulous cook; and so is soonks and losh and all the guys!!! They just pwn me! Keith's beef patties were absolutely delicious, losh's chocolate cake was good dessert, and soonks cheese omelette just melts in ur mouth! What a dinner. Never had such good food in the company of great friends for a long, long time.
The next best thing was that mel's house was a penthouse, so we were dining on the roof, above everything else with a great view; under the candlelight!!! Nothing could get better than this - recalling the times in kunming, teaching her sister ngee xD, talking just about anything under the night sky. Too bad there weren't any stars...haha. almost dreamy. Absolutely romantic.

Today was a great day indeed. Playtime.

SENTOSA!!

Oo.. my father just got a promotion to full prof and i think he is super happy. haha. at least he's treating us to dinner at dont know where this weekend. Muahaha.
Exams are over, i know i'm a little bit laggy, but theres still mep O level and chinese. Busy me, but i enjoy it. Practical is next thursday, and i hope i wont be scared.
We went to the beach today, 4 of us with deborah and auggie. Haha, i only knew auggie by his name before today, so i actually made another friend today =P Deborah was as scary as usual, the moment she arrived at harbour front mrt station, she saw bread talk and wanted bread talk and kind shua just gave it to her -.- But thats not the point, sentosa in the morning was really nice, the haze just couldnt spoil anything. and since its thursday morning, it was so empty, except for some tourists and another group of students. I havent had a sun tan for quite some time. and the water was nice, the sand castle, bridge, frisbee and beach ball too...
~
Okay, i'm free from the thing that tied my leg up for the past whole month, and its great to be able to walk freely, though its a bit slow and unsteady and most of the time a little painful, but im still happy. haha. Im glad i went to see her yesterday (you know which her i'm talking about)
~
We then went down to suntec to catch a movie. Didnt know fraser was there as well shopping for windows ( = windows shopping). World trade centre is quite nice, but i think too emo le. Its just memories, i mean nobody will recall that this thing actually happened in 2001. But where's the music!! i wanted to hear nice music during the movie, then it ended up with a short one being repeated twice, and finally a piano piece which sort of ended the whole show. But nvm. And somehow all of us were very quiet after the show, its just weird, and this is the first time it has happened to us. But i think there isnt any nice movies being screened right now, just those ghost stories or the action packed kind...
~
Today was really nice, and i doubt i will have another day like this until UK. Im going to chris's house to study MEP tomorrow and then its MEP all the way. Chamber on sat people, please practise =P Go change your strings if its rusty.. haha. See ya.

RAWR

what a way to end the exams.

i walked home today.

25km. 7 1/2 hours, from dover mrt to tanah merah.

I went past school from dover MRT, crossed the AYE, crossed kent ridge on south buona vista road, walked all the way down telok blangah road to harbourfront, found out that vivocity was there also, had lunch, walked into the city, through the cbd, crossed the singapore river, stopped at the esplanade, went through suntec out to nicoll highway, passed the national stadium, through kallang, across the ECP to east coast park, all the way up east coast park to bayshore, back across the ECP to siglap, up upper east coast road to home.

I passed so many people, exchanged momentary glances with thousands of others. I saw the simple joy and contentment of the Thai gardeners at the park. I saw the peace in the face of the old lady outside the Tanjong Pagar malaysian train station. I saw the weariness in the eyes of the well-dressed office-workers downtown and through it, the desire to be somewhere else.

I felt loneliness. The long road on the ridge. Seldom did any cars pass, and there were never any pedestrians. I felt fear then. The swarm of large red ants on the path, tearing apart a beetle.

I felt weariness. my right foot began to give way when I reached East Coast. I had wanted to give up, to take a bus home, but I knew that by going all the way, I would get something out of it.

I had gone out to explore. Perhaps the most painful part of it was the end. The last stretch. It hurt badly, to walk. And there was nothing to explore. The road was familiar and mundane. The last hour hurt. It taught me to keep going even if things were unexciting and uneventful. Even if it hurts. Even if it doesnt turn out the way you expect it to, and you don't seem to get anything out of it.

now i cant walk cos my right foot hurts alot.

but i saw the world.

and i know my two little feet can take me anywhere now.

competition

As the exams draw to a close, the pending results worry us. Thoughts like: did i do better this time? Did i beat so-and-so in this subject? Did i pass? Did i do well? They start harbouring in our minds. Even after we get back our papers, we still be thinking along the same lines: why didn't i get my 7 points? Why did i have to make that careless mistake and lose to so-and-so by one mark? Why didn't they moderate the results?

Have you ever wondered what is the basis of such thoughts? It's competition.

Regardless of whether its beating others or beating ourselves, we basically harbour such thoughts because we want to compete, and emerge vctorious, or at least better than the other(s). We want to be on top of the academic society, where the 'lack of natural resources' occur due to the overpopulation of brains, and 'natural selection' is based on the results distribution curve. In this society, intelligence is crucial - it is the essence of survival. Thus, being competitive is almost natural.

It seems natural; but is it right? By competing, we push our peers aside and better ourselves at their sake. We then draw our confidence from our success; while others dwell in their failure. At the same time, the competition stirs each of us onward. But, there are still others who fall behind, discouraged by competition. Can you imagine if one day, all your peers have lost the spirit of competition and backed out, leaving you alone in the race? Wouldn't you feel no need to run it anymore? Where's the competition, you might ask. Sensing that the race seems futile, you back out too.

What does this boil down to? Do we do everything for the sake of competing? Will we still run the race even when there are no competitors?

All christians and religious people out there would know the answer to this: we run the race for our god(s). But admit it; it's very difficult to stem the natural instinct of competition that leads us to run the race for ourselves. Well, at least we're trying to be altruistic, running the race with others instead of against others.

However, we must be wary of this competitive instinct; especially at this point of time after exams. Don't let your good results get the better of you.

May God help us.

a perfectionist's weakness

It's hard to learn that one is imperfect; that one cannot achieve everything that one sets out to do because of human limits.

Throughout history, various people reacted differently to their limitations. Some become idealists, like Karl Marx, who created an almost scientific theory to explain the perfect utopian state he had in mind. Others become extremists, like Romantic pianist Schumann, who attempted to cut the skin in between his fingers so that he could stretch his hands over more keys. Or the suicide bombers we hear of every day; creating chaos in the name of their religion.

Few of us realise that they did it to deny their state of poverty and to put their energy into seemingly more heroic causes. But how heroic can one be, when the basis of doing so is to run away from your weakness?

Maybe it's hard to face a bleak future - yes it is, and I understand. But to turn idealistic and extremist at the expense of others might be a very selfish solution. Maybe there's a 'third way' out of this...? Another state of mind, before the state of acceptance?

I might have found it. But it's essentially nothing. Feeling nothing. Seeing nothing. Looking nowhere. Heading nowhere. It's a state of 'om', maybe.

It's essentially nothing; really.

Longkang Jellies

I saw the jellies again.

now in greater numbers, and extending further upstream.

how surreal.

another song?

haha the exams have really gotten into me. I wrote another song! Or song-to-be. I've only got the lyrics down; there's still no tune nor any chord progressions. So you guys out there can invent one and sing it in any way you like. Enjoy! Use your imagination.

-----

My Little Farewell by ame

(verse1)

Sitting on a seat at the airport,

I am facing the arrival gate.

People are greeted by kisses and hugs,

I realised it might be all too late.

She walks through the departure gates;

They close on me all too soon.

I think I've just let go of a treasure

To the other side of the moon.

(chorus)

"Know that the Lord is with you,

Know that I will be true.

Know that while you sleep at night

I'll be thinking and missing you too.

I'm sorry that my little farewell

didn't turn out like how it should.

But the three lil' words I wanted to say

Just left me, speechless, that day."

(verse2)

Staring at the snow through my window,

Feeling the cold with my eyes.

But I remember those pearly whites

that dazzled in our snowball fights.

The letter you wrote; I got it today

A picture of you and him

hand in hand. I tried to recall

if there gonna be a difference if I said those words at all.

(chorus)

"Know that the Lord is with you,

Know that I will be true.

Know that while you sleep at night

I'll be thinking and missing you too.

I'm sorry that my little farewell

didn't turn out like how it should.

But the three lil' words I wanted to say

Just left me, speechless, that day."

(bridge)

Maybe it's just me

Or maybe it's meant to be

Maybe if I said those words

It might be forever you and me.

(pre-chorus)

But she walks through the gates of my life

They close on her all too soon

I think I've just let go of a treasure

To the other side of the moon.

(chorus)

"Know that the Lord is with you,

Know that I will be true.

Know that while you sleep at night

I'll be thinking and missing you too.

I'm sorry that my little farewell

didn't turn out like how it should.

But the three lil' words I wanted to say

Just left me, speechless, that day."

~

This song is written for a male vocalist. All rights reserved. haha.

haze.

why so hazy
its making me crazy
stuck at home
im becoming lazy

hexic is a hexxor game
game and game again so lame
once twice thrice
its always the same

exams haven't over
my burden seems off my shoulder
doesn't feel right
i might need a shower

Greater love.

Once, there was a little girl named Rachel. She was brought up in a virtuous Christian home, around a righteous father and a loving mother. Every night, Mother would read a Bible story to her and with each moral of each story, Rachel remembered it with all her heart. Soon, Mother reached the New Testament and the first bedtime story from the New Testament was about Jesus. As Rachel listened attentively to the persecutiong Jesus faced, she couldn't understand how He was willing to bear all suffering in silence. Mother said it was called love.

That night, Rachel fell asleep puzzled; but she decided that since Jesus showed love, she should too. So she decided to show love to someone who persecuted her.

She decided to love the school bully.

Every morning, Mike would make sure that Rachel would either find chewing gum on her seat, or her lunchbox missing. He would even taunt her in front of the class, calling her a 'pious nerd', and yet stealing her homework so that he could copy her answers at the same time. His actions made her cringe, but she remembered her promise to Jesus:

"Lord, I want to love my persecutors like you did..."

Then, one day, Rachel didn't find chewing gum stuck to her seat. Instead, she found a note of apology written by Mike. Overjoyed, she smiled as she took a closer look at the note - mike had finally changed his ways! Her effort to love him was not wasted, she thought. Mike had a gift of apology for her; he was at the school gym. Placing the note in her pocket after folding it meticulously, she hurried to the gym.

Rachel opened the door and peered in; it was all dark. She called out his name - once, twice; but only silence responded. She took a deep breath and entered the room. Nothing prepared her for what happened next.

She rubbed her eyes again and again. The lights were on, and she could barely see Mike and his friends in front of her. They were laughing at her. At this point, she realised she was drenched in a sticky mixture of flour and water. Surprise, however, did not give way to fury; instead disappointment welled up from inside of her, tugging mercilessly at her heart.

Rachel sat in silence as Mother drove her back home. Mother knew what had happened; and she was outraged, deliberating out loud on how she would follow her to school the next day and give Mike a good spanking. Mother was ranting angrily away, but to Rachel, none of it made any sense.

"But mum, you shouldn't punish Mike! I want to love him like Jesus does!"

Mother could not believe what she just heard. She stopped short - she was lost for words. For awhile, Mother couldn't understand why Rachel was so protective over Mike even after all that he did to her. Yet, in her one innocent statement, Mother also realised something else. Jesus loved the guards who nailed him to the cross; Jesus loved those who mocked him with the crown of thorns; Jesus loved all of them even after all they did to him.

Jesus showed love to everyone, and today, He had shown her what love is through her daughter.

Mother and daughter were silent for the rest of the journey. Mother was hiding her tears of gratitude for the incomprehendable love that her Father up above has shown; while Rachel? She was smiling again, because Jesus just whispered to her that if He did not give up on Mike, she shouldn't too.

"Lord, I will love my persecutors like you did..."

~

Maybe it takes a child to realise the Greater Love.

Both of my parents and brother is in Malaysia, which means i dont intend to sleep tonight. Plus I have so many you tube videos to watch, thanks to ame, now im addicted to it. LoL
~
Advance maths paper was ARGHHHH, 80 marks paper and i left 2 question, one 9 marks and the other 6 marks question blank. I think im too nervous for the wrong reason, and its not that i dont know the concept, its just that my mind is stuck in a box at that time, which is really bad. My mother say that the feng shui isnt good, since i changed seat today, but i dont believe in this kind of stuff =P
And yesterday during chem paper the guy sitting beside me left halfway through cus i think he was sick. And then this morning vice principal said something about the airborne virus and freak me out, now my mother called from Malaysia (dont know which channel she watch) and said that it appeared in the news something about our school having the same incident as the ang mo kio sec thing.. Oh no, better go pump up my resistance.. No fear, dont freak out. lol
Now i cant wait for Chinese paper on Monday, then after which its maths mania then MUSIC GALORE - chamber and MEP O, weeee
~
I just went for physio today. Decide to ask her to redo my leg thing cus it was seriously too tight, like cannot breathe. So when she took out i found out thats the whole area is filled with abrasions. Its very red, and theres blood on the bandage.. bah. nvm. So she did some massage thing and make me do some exercise and thought me how to walk again.. haha. And to those people in my class who wants to know this SHE.. try harder. hehe. Jealous ah..JK
~
its 11.12pm now, haha. i dont know if i should sleep. Maybe i should. More violin and maths tomorrow. GL to you all for the rest of your papers =P

of resisting change.

I'm chewing on pineapple and thinking:

It's already friday and the exams are drawing to a close very soon. Needless to say, everyone is looking forward to it, whether be it pressing your GDC to get the answer for the final math question, or writing the last words of a B&M essay. I do feel the same way; anticipating the finale of it all, but part of me isn't too happy either.

After this ends, i would have lost some sense of direction; i would have to face the world again.

Before any of you start spamming my tagboard and calling me names (i.e. mugger, haha i bet that's on all of ur mind right now), please hear me out. After 3 weeks of studying drew to a close when the exams started, i felt so prepared, so full of purpose. I felt i could deal with it all, because i was prepared to deal with the exams that were before me. And so, paper by paper it passed. Sometimes there were mixed feelings when i stepped out of the exam hall, but there was always another paper to prepare for, and 'look forward to', the next day.

For once, i knew what i would be doing the next day of my life.

Now, as each paper is tackled and conquered, TOK essays, EE drafts, IAs, recording sessions, piano, violin, etc. all start to creep back into my mind. The real world is going to hit me right in the face soon. The real world of not just assignments and real datelines, but of deciding where do i go from the exams, what should i do next, what's going to happen tomorrow. It's like working your way all the way up to the top, and then asking: "so, er, what's next?" It was the same feeling i felt when i did my piano exam and my teacher couldnt have me as her student anymore; it was the same feeling i felt when i stopped violin lessons; and possibly the same feeling i felt after haven.

Maybe you all concur with me, or maybe you don't, but i feel that one can get so caught up in the preparation to achieve something substantial until when it is achieved, you find that u have lost ur purpose somewhat. For history junkies out there, it must be how Mussolini felt when he suddenly found himself as the PM of Italy.

Maybe its called...the post-achievement syndrome.

It's not that i don't want exams to end; but part of me resists this change because all of a sudden, going to the books seems so much easier to deal with than life and reality. Probably because the books are predictable; but life isn't. And its in every human to want to grope in the darkness and find some constant and security in life. So, hence the post-achievement syndrome i guess.

My plate of pineapple is empty.

Exams

Just a short one, so that people will stop saying im shutting myself out from the rest of the world and mugging at home non-stop.
Advance, core maths and Chinese!! and then its over, i cant wait haha
Both sciences are good, i think i can do well this time, and i hope so, at least i put in quite a lot of effort for physics knowing that that was my worst subject. At least the paper turned out to be managable, i think.
Chem was today, i cant believe i was so careless. double checked the periodic table twice and yet i still thought Ti was tin. bah. and then when handing in the paper, i just happened to flip to the last page on electrolysis and saw my answer to the question on observations.. dont laugh, i dont know why also "Colours of bubbleless gas is produced" Okay, no more chem.. at least i didnt get trick in MCQ, besides the tin question..
Language arts paper 1 was the most difficult of all, i feel. I just think that my language isnt that great. 2 stanza poem and a crappy commentary.
I cant wait for Chinese, seriously. Advance maths tomorrow, hmm, just dont be as careless as today.

Happy birthday ame =P

some things i want to give up.

i just can't.

help.

in a piano-y mood

piano-y (pronounced pi-ar-no-ee) mood
how long I stood (sat)
tapping my fingers
at the peeaarnoe.

black and white
with some of my might
tapping my fingers
at the peeaarnoe.

Econs Exam!
how crazy I am
tapping my fingers
at the peeaarnoe.



here i sit
blogger i read
tapping my fingers...
on the keyboard.

truly, grateful.

Today reminds me of the fleet of birds that flew above me, braving the rainy skies yesterday. They renewed the hope in me for a better tomorrow. and for an umbrella that will shelter me home.

Then guess what?

I got an umbrella as a gift the very next day! (thanks losh, u read my mind x.x) It's in lovely lime too. So are my uber cool sunglasses (thx oli and auggie!). I'll make sure i wear them when i wear my green shirt or green dress, and when i'm at the beach.

Thank you yanny; its the thought that counts, and i know that u are sincere and i just thank you for that :) Kobe thinks ur present is a real dog. haha.

Thanks milton for the ty doggy! really really adorable.

Thanks everyone else for ur IOUs and smses hahaha. I'm glad that u remembered - because u all aren't supposed to, u all are supposed to be studying for exams! not rmbring my birthday haha. Thanks again.

All of u touched my heart today, in one way or the other. It was something i needed; so thanks again :)

in response

'I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.'

Psalm 139:14


'Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.'

James 1:17


'For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.'

Romans 12:3


All human wisdom, knowledge and power comes from Him from above, we are but insignificant beings compared to His might.

Give thanks for who you are, for He made you special because there is no other in the image of you.

Treasure and make full use of your talents, gifts, intellect, even the ability to think. If thinking was set on the premise of creating something new, then we must admit then that only God can think. Thinking just is. There is no need to think about thinking :) cherish these gifts from God above.

Everything should be done for His glory. even exams.

so Live for God!

'So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.'

1 Corinthians 10:31


in closing, remember,

'In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.'

Matthew 5:16


'And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Colossians 3:17

today is saint-saens day. all i've been listening to has been saint-saens.

i found a cd of his 5 piano concertos at a good price.

organ symphony is good too.

typical 4 liner. off to maths.

thinking about thinking.

How can one possibly define what thinking is? Thinking seems more than just a sign of brain activity. After all, your brain is always in action, carrying out all the autonomous functions in your body even as we speak. Thinking is definitely more than this.

Let's take this to a higher level. Should we consider doing homework, learning a new skill, pondering on the day's events as thinking? True, they are indeed thoughts that occupy our mind now and then; but how can one truly think when one seems to be either 1) taught how to do it, or 2) merely reflecting on what has already happened?

Of course, all this is based on the premises that thinking involves the creation of something new; of a new thought that no one has come up with as yet. But this poses another question: what is creativity?

Is there such a thing as creativity then? After all, it seems that the invention of something supposedly new is always based on previous discoveries; and these discoveries would then be based on even earlier ones. If a creation of something 'new' is based on the old, how is it to be termed as something 'created', as something totally new and unheard of? No matter how far-fetched an idea may seem to be, it can always be traced back to fundamental principles already laid in place before you and I came to existence.

Creativity, in this sense, is elusive to all mankind except God the Creator. He is an exception; because He created (genuinely created) the universe out of nothing. All of man's subsequent 'creations' (so-called) stem from His. Ultimately, it is not our role as Man to be creative - we simply do not have the capacity to be so.

What does this tell us about thinking? If thinking is indeed the creation of a new idea in our minds, do we all lack the capability to truely think for ourselves? This might be the case, if we define thinking with such a narrow definition of genuine creativity. But to accomodate us humans, we should just stick to the definition of thinking to be the generation of ideas based on previous ones.

Humbling as this may be, we humans do need to learn how not to overestimate our intellect and realise our limitations. Limitations ought to be challenged, one may say, but who are we to talk about breaking boundaries when we are limited by our ability to be genuinely creative? We ourselves are subjected to the boundaries of being uncreative, whether we like it or not. So, one thing to learn here is that there is a danger for the pride we have for our intelligence leading to our downfall, and to prevent this we might just have to accept this truth.

Think about it.

and so it is.

I was up till late in the night, waiting for my brother to come home. He had gone to watch his first movie with Uncle, and I was excited. I kept glancing at the clock on the wall time and again, though I didn't know how to read the time; I just hoped that the needles did change in position everytime I looked up. That, to me, was enough. The assurance of time still moving was enough - details didnt bother me much at that age.

Then I heard the metallic sound of keys colliding with each other. Finally!

I begged my brother to tell me all about it, and this is what he told me: "I've learnt a bad word today".

After much pestering on my part, he told me what it was. At that moment, you could say that I lost some of my innocence. It was no fault of his though; I forced him to tell it to me. But something else, something unexpected desended upon me.

My innocence declined steadily from then on.

Now, I want it back, but nothing permits me to have it. You try to think innocently only when u've considered all those deceitful and thwarted thoughts. When u seem innocent, deep down u know its an act. You put much effort in loving all those around u equally, only to realise a great imbalance and ulterior motives behind it all. Worst still, the very last bit of your innocence may have just been sapped dry by others - by their actions of betrayal, by their evil. Worldly pressures force us to be aware of back-stabbing, hypocricy, favouritism and deception. Innocence is replaced by such devices; and the world, too proud of admitting to sin, has conveniently labelled these as devices of survival.

But who is to blame? Maybe the world, , maybe sin, maybe ourselves. One must realise that the blaming game is futile - we should look up for help instead.

After all, it is how u finish, not how u start, that counts.