it goes beyond this.

So tired of being alone; so hurry up and get here.

The only point of Happy Feet that i get is: don't eat fish; or else you'll kill the penguins.

She braided her hair for the third time, and finally, it was reasonably perfect. She thought black and red looked good on her as she swiftly slotted red ear rings into each ear hole. Realising that she was, at the same time, admiring herself in the mirror, she turned away and went to look for her slippers. I'm not supposed to do that, she thought. Vanity shouldn't possess her. Feeling slightly guilty, she walked out of the house, glad that no one was there to catch her at that vulnerable moment.

However, she caught herself doing it again. As she was washing her hands in the public toilet, she looked up to the mirror in front of her. The familiar feeling of pride started to swell in her again. She immediately looked down at her wet hands and walked away; afraid that the pride she tried so hard to suppress would become the basis of her self-confidence.

And as she walked across the road, past the many traffic junctions in the city, she put each foot forward with sureity, as if wanting to catch the attention of the car drivers that stopped in front of her. She loved her walk, but when she thought about it again, it could only be traced back to vanity. Then, she hated herself for it. She hated herself for putting her confidence on such superficial images; she hated herself for not being able to break away from it.

But most of all, she hated herself for appearing confident, and then shrinking away from trying new things and meeting new people.

Vanity, vanity; all is vanity.

It's hard, isn't it. I can't say i'm a glamour queen, but in everyone there is an inner battle to be fought against this great temptation of vanity and of seeking glamour. Some fight it all their lives, while some simply give in to it because its too hard. I fight; but the victory's not even half-won.

Nevermind. God help me.

Be kind, but not so kind

Went to watch 007 today with random people, since this "excursion" was organised for bored people. Haha, not bad lar, quite a lot of fighting, and nice story line. Seng tiong said something about focusing too much on the main character and their kissing 0.0

and check this out, we met MS NG!! didnt even notice she dyed her hair until chris told me.

Then i went back to school to meet up with the people performing on friday. Should ask Chris about this, but they sort of bullied me when they arent supposed to. sob sob.
First thing they request was a bigger venue, so stupid yanny called mrs li, talked for 20 mins, and wanted to help them, when i got the audi, they said it was too big. Nvm, then came everything, can we have them seated on chairs, can you help us move the speakers and screen away from the back, why is the ceiling so low, how come theres no lighting like a normal concert, can you get us more comfortable chair, can you tune the piano as its quite out of tune, and the sound of the piano is horrible. Then some guy took photos of the room and requested for 2 stands ( which IMO is the most logical one). So since i dont know what to do, i tried to accomodate to them first, say i will try my best, then start freaking out after they leave and call Mrs Li for help. Haha.. but i agree with her, they are bullying me =( and she decide to tell chan about it. GG, oops, what have i done. Now Mr Chan, Mrs Li and all of them arent happy....

but at least yanny learns lesson, be kind, but not so kind =P

so the latest order, just set up the chairs, the rest dont do anything...

God, above All.

First things first.

The nigerian prophet you see on the ads on the mrt trains? He is false; do not be deceived. Jesus has already warned us about this.

'And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.'

'For there shall arise false christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Behold, I have told you before.'

Matthew 24:11-13, 24-25

Please, do NOT be deceived.

~

As I listened to songs on my ipod today, I realised that I still had my youth. A youth to take chances, to chase dreams, to fulfill aspirations, and even to do things your parents could only dream of and regret for not giving it a shot earlier in their lives. I had my whole youth ahead of me to take the path less travelled; but the price I would have to pay would be meeting the strangers along the way. But what's that to me? I have my youth to meet new friends and people.

That doesn't mean you drift away; I will be anchored.

~

That walk to the bus stop, she felt, were the hardest steps she had to take. She knew she had to make her priorities right with God, and so she tried, as she walked away. She admired how he could smile on the hospital bed, even when the mundane but essential bodily movements were taken away from him. Maybe this trial was meant to prick her; so that she, too, could smile at the pain.

After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

1 Peter 1:6-9

Colourful languages

First half of the holidays used up for the tour, which was absolutely amazing, and of course O level papers as well..
Maybe i should start planning on how to spent the rest of the holidays.

Watched saving private ryan, ultra nice sound track, especially the one they played when rolling the credits. Stealth is a nice movie too, and i also have X-Men (the latest one), just feel like watching these movies again..and over the hedge too!
Theres still hollow man, geisha, harry potter, unbreakable - its not too bad watching movies..

And of course theres the violin, im playing nothing else besides scales and octaves, hoping to improve my intonation, and hoping that my teacher wont scold me for not completing his studies.. but then again, his study consisits of octaves.

Computer games are very distracting, movies too. Going out to watch casino royale tomorrow, those interested contact chris, and going to school to meet the NGEES on wed, and party on friday. And the nurse who's looking after deborah, is called Mr NGEE, so cool!! Should have asked for his signature, anyway visiting her on thursday...

And i wont be going to Korea anymore.. Malaysia now =P

love's depth.

My dad loves my mum a lot.

You know, our concept of love is always nobel and beautiful because it consists of those cherished physical and emotional aspects. A hug, a kiss, a sweet message, the exchange of glances, the fuzzy feeling, the tears, the joy. But there's something else...there's something else which people shun.

"...the whole thing gets more complicated when she decides to have a baby, because Losartan may cause malformations in the foetus' kidney...so we would have to stop medication during that time and hope for the best for the baby. The gene may be passed..."
The doctor was talking to her mother. It became increasingly unbearable, because they were talking as if she wasn't there, referring to her like a third person though she was right in front of them. Yet, the doctor was glancing at her, trying to catch her gaze, as if searching for some sort of approval. But what approval could she give? Yes, she understood the implications, it became head knowledge in an instant. She nodded her head, approvingly, but her heart was denying it at all costs.
The rest of the doctor's words because like a faraway buzzing noise to her. She was thinking about her response to this piece of news, refusing to let the tears run to her eyes. Her thoughts suddenly landed on her parents. Suddenly, it dawned on her how much her father loved her mother, even though it did not seem so most of the time. It dawned on her how much her father sacrificed - he sacrificed even his own children - in order to marry the one he loved. It dawned on her how much they've been through. And in that moment, she understood everything. It all became so clear. It was all for love.
On the way home, she stared aimlessly out of the window. The rain was clearing up now, and glimpses of the sun shone behind the cloudy sky. She thought about her future, and wondered if there was anyone on earth who was able to love her for her - to love her beyond her looks (which she thought deceived everyone), to love her beyond her talent, but to love her for her hidden curse as well. She wondered who, in the right mind, would sacrifice his future children for her. She wondered who would willingly let their son offer such a sacrifice and marry her for the sake of love. Was there ever such a strong love on earth? She thought. A tear came to her eye.
But now, she appreciated God's love even more; so she decided not to cry after all.

~

My mum said i look more and more like my dead cousin. I wonder what am i supposed to feel like, looking like a dead person.

All i know is, i should visit my aunt less, should my presence remind her of tragic memories.

ukngee is up!

rest of the photos will come soon.

once we sit down and put it all together.

Happy birthday zab

Ame is cycling in malaysia, joshua is stoning, oli is sleeping, im blogging!!
Chris is on msn, bryan is on msn, deborah is sleeping, my bro is watching tv..

Okay that was random =P maybe not entirely random though. Went out for quite some time today, visited deborah in the morning. Lucky i wasnt there when most people visited her yesterday, they say she couldnt talk, move etc. today was better in their opinion, but still bad for me. She can move, but cant really do anything, and she kept on crying out in pain, felt bad for her. and she cant really laugh, and her eating is very slow =( but the good news is she's being discharged tomorrow, so at least her condition isnt that bad. I think she slept halfway when we were having a sms convo...

then we were off to see zab (her bday today if you guys didnt know). watched happy feet, quite hilarious.. and played arcade, shua and zab are both so pro, i bet they play that racing game everyday, no wonder she was like hoping we can join her and watch her own.. but we didnt really have a lot of time as she wanted lunch with her parents and dinner with you know who.. so nvm, at least she enjoyed it =P

So pray hard for deborah, at least the worst is over =P

Rooming with Mr Chan

Grr, this is the second time im writing this, cus i have no idea why the first didnt appear on the blog,
As requested, i shall talk about the nights that i spent rooming with Mr Chan. It didnt turn out to be what i had expected, the kind of sheer dominance over me. In fact it is the direct opposite from the horrifying+no freedom kind of 3 nights.
One thing that i should let you all know before i start is that I must say Mr Chan is a nice person, maybe you guys should try to room with him one day, i mean i must count myself lucky to be the first and most probably the last person to room with him in the entire history of ACS orchestra. Woohoo
Nothing really happen during the first night, but i managed to get into he room before anyone else could as they need to settle the rooming list at the lobby while i went upstairs. He went on to meet Mr Andrew Bernadi downstairs and told me to shower and sleep whenever i like to. I was actually quite amazed at how neat the room was when i stepped in, nothing close to a room that has been used for quite a number of days, and the best part is that he apologised to me at the lobby about how messy i think it will be =.= Chris came up to my room when i showered and did some seating plan to be printed in the programme. All we talked about was news happening in Singapore where i kept him updated on the GST and so on, then we went to sleep.
Second night was better than the first, or at least i wasnt freaking out as much, and i wasnt as tired as before. Talked about random stuff, mostly music though and of course about the orch, how i felt about it. Chris and Eka came up to do the newsletter thing and discussed about the pieces we shall play for SYF next year, but i think i fell asleep when he played andrew lloyd weber theme and variations on his laptop, nice melody, but i have no idea he played that for what, hypnotise me sia. Bernstein is a wonderful piece to try though.
Third night we talked about one issue and one big issue only, about relationship. and i slept at 1am that night, and i must say that whatever he say is indeed very applicable to all of us, though some of it is usually what one will say in a relationship, i mean the whole topic started off with "do you have a gf". and he talked about his wife and past gf and whatever (secrets, haha, im not telling anyone else).
3 nights isnt a lot, neither is it vert short. I was sort of looking forward to the 4th night as i didnt really dare to leave the room. It sort of felt weird when i told him i will be visitng Bryan's room, then he asked for what, so i decide to say Bryan told me to go when i knew the answer was " to play lar" obviously. And the funniest thing is when mrs Li asked the whole orch to check if your room mate is here after lunch and all i did was wave to Mr Chan, then boith of us smiled.
At least everything fell into place, which could be seen on sunday's night dinner where we had a very long sessions before dinner...
~
One thing i forgot to mention in my previous post was the art of taking photos myself. Most of the photos i took was by myself and by the third day, so many people were trying to master the art of it, and i was pro by then =P

Every beginning has and end, experience it throught the process and remember it through photos. Now we are back at home, lets just continue and move on, though these memories will indeed last forever

london.

It always happens when you come back from a faraway land, and an unforgettable trip.

Yes, post-trip withdrawal symptoms - i'm sure you all feel it right now. Well, for me, i define it as feeling dazed, walking around the house with the memories floating in your head, counting back 8 hours (almost subconsciously) to find out what the time is in london. At least that's what i've been doing since i got back...been doing alot of sleeping too. I try to get back to work, but i can't. Just seems impossible now, doesnt it.

All i can do now is sigh.

Okay anyway, i'll try to recall the few things that i found significant about the trip :)

1. Peppa pig: its a british children's cartoon that features a family of pigs that have the habit of snorting before every sentence they utter. They're really cute, and the bigger they get, the louder they snort i.e. papa pig snorts the loudest. During our stay in london, that became the cartoon of the day - we always watched it after breakfast.

2. The pub: when we went to west sussex, we stopped by sevenoaks and mr wong brought a bunch of us into this pub for lunch. There was a rather conspicuous sign outside that said only over eighteens are allowed, but i was given no time to hesitate as fraser almost pushed me in. No regrets though; the food was beyond delicious. I ordered sausage and mash for just 4.95 pounds, and with portions so huge, i wondered who needs 3 meals a day. The hot chocolate was luxurious; on top of the marshmellows swimming in chocolate milk was a generous serving of cream that swirled very nicely, with a sharp tip at the end, like ice-cream. I'm getting hungry as i describe this.

3. The people: the brits are, by nature, friendly people. I wish i could be like them. There was once where we were sitting at the hotel lobby, closing our eyes and praying, and the stranger sitting across asked if we were all right. I thought it was very nice of him to ask. I was standing outside someone's room and another stranger also asked if i was okay. It does feel good to know that someone does care, even if he's a stranger. Maybe we should adopt this habit in spore too, just that we might get a nasty stare in return most of the time.

4. The weather & nature: what would the trip be without this? The green, green grass is to die for. Its a pity no one is allowed to step or roll on it. Then again, i guess thats how they keep the grass so healthy - no human intrusion. The orange-red leaves on the trees was a beautiful sight, and they were everywhere. At west sussex, we saw grazing sheep and roaming cows (the black and white ones!). All this gave me a peace and calm; you know, the feeling u get when u watch docile animals stroll on endless pasture? Yes...its a timeless feeling, as if you're one with nature.

5. The tube: London's subway is very very complicated. When i first saw the map, i took more than a minute to locate the station that we were in. There are so many intersections, so many different lines that there's a large possibility of getting lost. But we got the hang of it anyway. After all, its the oldest underground subway in the world, so maybe we should give it a chance.

6. The West End: A really cool place for theatre. Its just a street in london with an endless row of theatres, showing the Phantom of the Opera, Lion King, Les Miserables, etc etc. All the fantastic shows rolled into one street! What more can u ask for? I must go there again someday and watch a show there. Its a great arty place; something that puts our local arts scene to shame. Well, maybe we'll get there some day. Just look towards the West End, and then embark on the journey to the West. haha. Then we may get there in 50, 60 years or more?

7. Trinity College: A really picturesque and historical place to study; great professors there too. Its a place that breathe music - when you walk through one of the halls where the windows all face in on direction, you can hear anything from a trumpet to a saxophone to someone singing or playing the violin. The people are friendly, and the professors all have a sense of humour. There was something speical about their teaching too; i noticed a sense of timelessness in the way they teach. Maybe not in the entire essence of the word, but they take their time explaining things to you, and u don't feel any rush at all. This was something i admired alot, because you will never feel it in spore. They play their music as if they have all the time in the world, and that everyone is listening to them. They take their time. And thats something i would want to learn (it cannot be learnt in spore). Hmm a place i'll consider studying in.

8. Friends: I've come to know alot of you guys more, and some of you are really really funny! Thanks for making the trip so comical and amusing. Special mention goes to phay, rayner, ee ming, austin, walter loo mingjie (lol!). I think they deserve an award for this! Thanks to joash and fraser for diligently keeping the camera rolling and their socialising escapades. Really fun to watch, and join in as well. You people are amazing, every one of you, even if ur name isn't mentioned. I will come to miss this alot.

Okay, now to list the things that i've missed in spore:

1. Chilli! haha i know western food is nice, but asian chilli rocks and its something i would not live without. So you can imagine what i was dipping my chicken and beef in during yesterday's steamboat dinner. Sambal chilli.

2. iPod's john mayer songs: I didnt realise how attached i am to my music pod till i lived 8 days with its absence. I regret not bringing it, because many moments of the trip reminded me of at least one song in my iPod, esp. john mayer's.

3. Piano: Yes i know i had a masterclass with the most famous pianist philip fowke, but i only played one piece and its hard to survive on 5 minutes of piano for 8 days! So i'm glad i'm home, me and my piano.

4. Kobe: of course i miss kobe. He's my darling! He's grown even fluffier now than before. I look out at the hall and i see him sleeping again. That lil lazy, loveable dog.

5. people: i am an ungrateful one; i didnt really miss my family, or anyone at all, in particular. But i did think about some of you guys, and i guess that counts as missing u? Well, i thought about cheryl, sze, xin, cherie, auggie, deb (who sent us off, thank you very much), ali's prayer group, joshhoe, church, amos, and i cant remember...oh well i am indeed an ungrateful one. i apologize x.x

Okay, thats basically it. Now back to stoning.

Every beginning has an end

We are back in Singapore, still thinking of the day we left for UK, and now everything's like over. Time flies indeed, but i can definitely say that for the past week, I had been enjoying myself to quite a large extent.
Plane
The movies arent that great. Its the talking part of the whole flight that got us into the holiday mood, and of course the pokemon game =) metapod is worth training, and watching movies at the same time with losh and zab is quite amusing indeed. Return trip was much shorter, if you understand that the world is spinning to our favour, but we slept for 5 hours and after we woke up, 3 of us were stoning completely, then it was the turbulence which we called it rollercoaster ride 101 and finally the touch down.
Food
Most of the food there were great, and i spent most of my money eating. Chinese restaurant was average, besides the one that Mr chan brought us to, that was superb. Italian pasta's and meal, steak, fish and chips, pizza.. Thats where most of my money disappeared to. Harrod's jellybeans and lots of chocolates, fudges, sandwiches etc
Masterclasses
Ours went well, and i was very happy with it. Chan was right, even if you gained nothing out of this trip, the masterclasses itself was sort it already. We sounded very differently before and after the class, and we have recordings to prove, its like 1 plus hours of finetuning. The guy who took the violin masterclass was proed, too pro liao.
Performances
The one at trinity with their undergrads was very nice, they are too pro for us liao. Imagine them as bryan's being multiplied. Though there were very few audiences, the whole concert still turned out to be a great one. The one at sussex though had A LOT of people watching, but their standard isnt as great as we had expected. However it was still nice working with them. Both halls were simply amazing..
Hotels
We only stayed in 2 different hotels though we changed 3 times. The one at west sussex wasnt as bad as we had expected, i mean its alright lar. The other one was big with bouncy beds and huge televisions. Both heating systems was bad and i was practically frozen on the last night. Rooming with Mr Chan isnt that bad afterall =P
Sightseeing/shopping
We didnt really do much sightseeing there, its more of a stop and go thing. The only 3 places we went down was the pavillion, royal observatoy and the tower of london, dont think i missed out any. Of course we visited the music schools there where they had ownage recording systems, much better than ours. Im not a good shopper, as i have said earlier, so the only thing that i buy is food food and more food. and of course lots and lots of bday presents, so many people's birthday this 2 months. One more thing, Harrod's really big, not because we got lost inside it (or maybe because of this), but they sell so many things, you name it you got it..
Others
The train ride on that shopping night was a total disaster as there was sever delay. And ame said something about appreciating our train system. haha, i agree! but its a nice experience. Of course there's an incident which made me go really angry, but i shall not say it here. The second bus driver was the worst among the 3, he got lost in his own country!! and it wasnt that far from the hotel, just that he turned left instead of right at the beginning, so we were travelling in the wrong way, and his attitude is bad. Austin showed his true self on the trip, real comedian..

This week was really great, probably the best in the year, and i havent practise my violin for ages.
So now we are back home, but i have new responsibilites. And i guess that its time for me to start working on next year's stuff. gtg, still suffereing from jet lag =P

leaving tomorrow.

God bless you all!

Take care debby! We'll remember you when we're there! Will visit when we come back!

Bye Bye

Well, its about it.. nothing much to say now

Today's sectionals was horrible, with that kind of standard i dont think the people there will appreciate. And it makes me even more angry when you have people who cant be bothered when you ask them nicely to practise/ask their teacher to help, and give you some kind of attitude problem when I try to teach them. And im only asking for them to get the notes and nothing else, not even dynamics/strokes etc. Sigh. Maybe Zab was right, not everyone who's going on this trip deserves to go. And i know its abit late now, but i still hope that they will practise their parts.

Now i only hope that the beds are seperated..
Oo, just realised that the 4 of us are playing in masterclasses

and sleep well people, and get jet lag there. Sheen JET will be the worst of all, he will be experiencing JET lag when he's already lagging, sigh =P

one more time.

dear hh,

In case you haven't realised (haha), i'm leaving tmr! I feel fairly ticklish now; its all so exciting. But there were a few thoughts in my head today.

When you asked me to read J's blog, his entry on 'change' caught my attention, and never left my mind ever since. I was thinking about this - what if the plane i'm on crashed? What if tomorrow never comes? What would happen then? Who would i think of? Who would cross my mind? Will my whole life flash before me? But more importantly, i wondered who would miss me, and who would be the first to notice that i'm gone. Then, a Ronan Keating song sounded in my head.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes.

It might sound crazy and all, how i'm thinking about death when i'm still young at seventeen. But then again, you'll never know right? You can never be so sure, can you.

My mind wondered and i imagined what tmr would be like. I love Changi Airport; it just has a special, melancholic ambience that i love. I was thinking how my friends would be seeing me off, and how i would walk through the departure gates, all excited and happy, yet knowing i'll be missing home for a week. A scene from The Terminal flashed in my mind, and i suddenly recalled the lyrics of the song that i wrote.

She walks through the gates of my life
They close on me all too soon
I think i've just let go of a treasure
To the other side of the moon.

Know that the Lord is with you,
know that i will be true.
Know that while you sleep at night
i'll be thinking and missing you too.
I'm sorry that my lil farewell
didnt turn out like how it should.
But those three lil words i wanted to say
just left me, speechless, that day.

Maybe its the sing-song mood that i'm in today, haha. But there's one thing i can't get out of my head. I've been wondering all day, who would be there, at 630am in the wee hours of the morning, to see me off. Indeed, the goodbyes are more important than the hellos, because you can never know which goodbye you say would be the last one.

I was planning to say goodbye to you tonight, but i don't think the computer would be made available to me then. So i'll say it now. Goodbye dear, God bless your week ahead. Don't worry about me, i'll be safe and sound in God's hands.

I'm hanging in there.

Goodbye.

signing off, ame <3

uk. uk? uk! uk... UK

will be at the airport in about 32 hours time.

i don't seem to feel as excited as i should be. finished packing though. physics reexam tomorrow. weird.

oh well.

nothing insightful to add.

sleep is good.

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

John 10:27-28

Oh Lord help me to hear you. And I will respond.

and again.

dear hh,

Its one day closer to the day that i'm flying away, and i finally feel a tinge of excitement. I was stuffing my beloved green tea sachets and maggie mee into my suitcase and i felt as if little imps were racing in my heart. My disbelief and numbness did give way to child-like anticipation after all. Well, at least i can still feel these things.

Family meals are highly amusing; and almost crude in conversation, i must say. You told me once about the bad habits and the totally uninhibited way your mom and dad behave at home, and i bet this is true in every family. But that didnt suppress my laughter, haha these things are always funny anyway. And my family! The dinner table conversation can drift from why mom didnt buy enough meat for the steamboat to crude references to the human anatomy. Far from intellectual, i must say, but everyone needs a dose of such things once in awhile.

The mealtime conversation usually takes on a somewhat 'reprimanding' tone, with my older bro blaming mom for not buying enough meat, and with my mom retorting that its not her fault but the way my brothers eat (which they do just like hungry cows). My older bro then pushes the blame on little abe, saying the one with the smallest stomach eats the most. As for me, i would only offer a comment occasionally, and in this case i asked if he was sure little abe had the smallest stomach. But i know that this slightly negative tone is just for laughs. Just that i find that it gets overboard sometimes, especially when my older bro takes it too far. Oh well, i guess i'm the only one sensitive to these things, so i'll just bear with it somehow.

I woke up this morning and then fell back to a fifteen-minute sleep; and it was one troubling fifteen-minute nightmare. I didnt really dream about anything, but i found myself having so many thoughts crossing my mind that when i finally snapped out of it, i sat up straight in bed, springing out of the moment just in time. There were thoughts of the rainy day at the beach, of a bad korean drama, of you and the week before last, of the london piano masterclass and of the airport. These thoughts were all so ordinary, but it was so strange when i felt them cascading down to some bottomless pit in my head. I felt i was falling down with them, until i woke up. So strange indeed.

Today God spoke and He said that we are all part of something bigger. God plans His plans with a timeframe of eternity, while we make our plans within a meagre 60-70 years. Then when we don't see results, we get impatient. It was a timely reminder for me that God's big plan spans many years and generations, and all we should do is to trust in the big plan. Yes, the big plan that includes you and me. Take comfort in that.

The little imps are racing all over my heart again, tickling me quite a bit. Haha i've never thought i would say this, but now, I am excited.

But not before i bid farewell to you on tuesday.

signing off, ~ame~

why do we spend so much thought on these things?

its all imaginary bullshit. self-deceit.

think about the REAL things in life. and LIVE it.

me, again.

Dear hh,

I was wondering why i'm compelled to do this, to write to you every day. But speculating a reason, or searching for one, i figured, wouldn't help me at all. So anyway, here are some things i have seen today and thought about.

It was shopping at ikea with mom today. Colourful bedsheets and petite wooden bedframes make me happy. I was aimlessly looking around for something peculiar as a birthday gift, and saw many other things along the way. I saw them selling a set of colourful scissors, and i felt like turning to u to say that these are the kind of things that i would buy and then never use them because when i want to use them, they never seem to be found, haha. But i had to stop myself from turning around to share this amusing thought, because i knew you weren't there.

Just as i was glancing through the cutlery and glassware section, I thought i saw the ex-concert master of the Spore Youth Orch...you know, the violinist who sits right at the front, and gives the tuning note to the rest of the orch. I turned to look at him again, somewhat relieved that my eyes were playing tricks on me. He's supposed to be overseas, studying the violin. Maybe i was relieved because at least i knew he was out there making his dream come true.

Walking and having lunch with mom was a fairly quiet affair. We had only exchanged our thoughts about how many ice-cube trays we should buy, or how many hotdogs we should buy back for my brothers. Initially, i felt a slight fear of being alone with mom, something i've not been able to do for ages; but after a while it went away. However, that didnt change the fact that there're things i've never told her, and she had things that she'd never tell me either. You once said that the most important things are never said, and i felt it so today. But somewhere in me, i actually like these things not being said - even though i can't say i feel absolutely comfortable about it, i can see myself living this way, at least for now.

Maybe that's where all the problems started, this fear of confrontation.

NHG organized some Family Day outing today, and my family was supposed to go to sentosa. But it started pouring real bad again and that dampened my spirits a little. As i looked out of the car window, observing the rain writing something incomprehensible on the windscreen, mom told me about how some Londoners suffer from winter blues. According to her, they see a grey sky and feel the chill so bad that they go into depression. I raised an eyebrow, and i secretly thanked God i wasn't born in a place with permanently grey skies.

I was pondering about the day i'll leave, and i imagined her confiding with me on how she missed him. Then i thought about my response to it. I think all i can offer her is an empathetic smile. Besides, i'm already there, and the tangible distance would not make that much of a difference, i hope. But don't worry about me; i will keep my promise, even though its hard sometimes.

The rain has retreated to a drizzle, so maybe i'll go to the beach after all. I still haven't figured out why i feel compelled to tell you all this though. Maybe its just a reaction to the thought that i'll be away very soon, and won't be able to do this for 8 days.

Maybe, just maybe. Hang in there, dear.

signing off, ~ame~

Letting go...

Perhaps, some of us really need to take a break from whatever we are doing.
I got this off the net:

Hold On
by Shawn Pearson
From jungle gyms to monkey bars,
to tilt-a-whirls and bumper cars,
advice is given for us to take,
Hold on tight for Heaven’s sake!

Warned always to tighten my grip,
Tighter still child, you don’t want to slip.
To hang on for dear life that’s the way that I know,
And now Jesus, my Savior, bids me Let Go.

White-knuckled resistance has me holding on tighter,
buckling beneath burdens that never grow lighter.
I must cling to all things, be as strong as I can,
to loosen my grip makes me less of a man.

His voice again, Child please try to understand,
Your life fits best in my nail-pierced hand.
Your pain will subside, your confusion will cease,
if the hold on your life you would only release.

Lord I’m releasing but I still am quite wary,
do you promise to catch me and from there to carry?
It hurts to hold on so let go I must,
a new theme for my life: in Jesus I trust.

The human thought of holding on tightly to things that are dearest is natural. Sometimes releasing is the only hope of relief. Think about it =P

on love.

People say they "find" love, as if it were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a certain love.

- the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom, a great read, gives insight into thoughts. Mine, at least.



But now faith hope and love remain - these three. The greatest of these is love.

- 1 Corinthians 13:13


sometimes i marvel at the wonder of His love, His faithful and enduring love.

escape.

i want to run.

me again.

dear hh,

There're so many things i want to tell u, but when i see u, the big things obstruct me and i cant tell u the insignificant, futile, yet important everyday things. Only time will tell.

Anyway, i was taken aback to have realised my lack of faith in God last night. It has plagued me even today, when i was supposed to have rekindled the fire. But God always says that His strength is seen in my weakness. The only thing left to do is to increase my faith. Indeed Lord, i have let You down. Please forgive me.

Please forgive me.

I thought today would be a better day. But in the morning someone said i would get scolded in the London masterclass for playing rachmaninov so lyrically when it's supposed to be babaric. Yes, i'm sure to get scolded for it, but its these things that don't need reminding because in bringing them up i remember the dashed dreams and along with it all the others i've tried to forget. Or at least avoid. But there - it came back to my head again. Oh well. Maybe confrontation is best.

Then it poured. You should have seen the rain - it shocked me somewhat. I didnt even hear it coming. I saw him and I saw her. And i thought abt it again. How ironic it must seem to know u are doing the right thing but feel at a loss all at the same time. It was like how Anna felt when she committed the sin of her life - there are no words for such complex and seemingly contradictory emotions. Of happiness, bitterness, agony, and peace. No words for that.

Well, something made me glad today though. My beloved pastime of playing the piano on rainy days. It was then I realised what music has done for me in my life. It has been my companion, my friend in loneliness. It's my tool of expression, it is how i show my greatest sincerity. It is part of me, and yet i've been too carried away by the pursuit of the perfection of it. You can say i've brought it upon myself: to only wake up from ceaseless pursuit when it shatters in front of me. What does perfection matter anymore? Music is what i love, not the pursuit of it. It is part of me; i've already found it.

No more running, no more senseless chasing for me.

So i've decided to pick up the broken glass and call xin's piano teacher. Finally i have direction. I also tried running 4 rounds today, specially selecting those lame boyband songs on my ipod to run to. Lame boyband songs arent very captivating to listen to, but at least they're useful for escaping sometimes.

You know, i cant believe i'm leaving on tuesday. I can't believe i'm going to the college where my examination was administered. Somewhere in my heart there's this foolish thought that after they hear me play i myself would obtain a place in there. Haha i laugh at myself as i type this. Wishful thinking. Oh well but the thought lingers. I have an affinity for silly things. I think you know that, even in my sanest moments :) But its all just so soon that i've yet to feel it. Then when u're in the midst of it it's robbed from you.

Yes, its getting harder, and sometimes i let my mind give up for awhile. Though i shouldn't do that. Its a daily struggle.

These are the so many things i say, at least right now. Whether they're significant or not, it doesnt really matter. But i just felt like saying them....just wanted u to know that at least i'm safe, i'm well, and i....

Well, that's another story.

Signing off, ~ame~

And so i continue on my Mahler journey, with his most massive, the 8th.

Kind of ironic that the first, being relatively small in scale, was originally based on a tone poem called "Titan", thus adopting that name.

Cant wait

Rehearsals are coming to an end as UK trip approaches at a pace faster than we have ever thought. After all of this had ended, the time we spent in rehearsals may be as memorable as the time we will be spending in UK... Hopefully this will be a nice trip
~
I had the time to pack my room today. Came across many things that can only draw back memories. Mozart and Beethoven's music are just simply amazing, and yet so little people know how to appreciate this kind of music. Sigh

Time to start packing my luggage =P
I havent touch my violin today...

Nice party yesterday, but Mr ice cream is no where near to be seen
Happy birthday deb some time soon. hehe

more difficult.

"She knew Anna Arkadyevna, but only slightly, and she now came to her sister's not without fear of how she would be received by this Petersburg society lady whom everyone praised so much. But Anna Arkadyevna liked her, she saw that at once. Anna obviously admired her beauty and youth, and before Kitty could recover she felt that she was not only under the influence but in love with her, as young girls are capable of being in love with older married ladies.
Anna did not look like a society lady or the mother of an eight-year-old son, but in the litheness of her movements, the freshness and settled animation of her face, which broke through now as a smile, now as a glance, would have looked more like a twenty-year-old girl had it not been for the serious, sometimes sad expression of her eyes, which struck Kitty and drew her to Anna. Kitty felt that Anna was perfectly simple and kept nothing hidden, but that there was in her some other, higher world of interests, inaccessible to her, complex and poetic."
~ Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

That caught my attention. I could vividly picture Anna's graceful, calm, lovable exterior as she consoled Dolly, as she put her son to sleep, and as she danced at the ball. Yet, i could see the curse she held inside, behind her telling eyes. She held the curse of beauty.

She told herself, again and again, that it was no fault of hers; everything would be okay because all will be forgotten in a jiffy. But she still felt that pressing guilt, because she knew that she had the power to change destinies for the worse. She knew her presence alone was capable of destruction, even for an innocent youth like Kitty.

I felt Anna's despair as she held this power, that was torturing her with her unwilling possession of it. All she ever wanted to be was an ordinary person whose mediocrity would not hurt anyone. But this was not to be; her unwilling possession was about to be unleashed, and she could not control it. What she did not know was this: it would eventually consume her, like some fatal harmatia that she was born with. It would cause her death.

But her remorse behind the sad expression in her eyes...i could feel a tinge of it behind mine.

It's scary why all this seems so familiar.

sigh.

Weakness wages war without weapons
where would one weep within.
still standing? Slipping, sinking
struggling, seeking strength so.
Failing, falling, flowers fading
finding fault, fighting fraud.

Father draw me near
To where You are

I'm just glad that some of you kept me in your prayers...
and thanks chris for helping me and ying hao before the paper, much appreciated =P

so its over. maybe i dont feel as happy as those who hate this subject, but at least its some quite heavy thing that's off my shoulder now. Got the first question wrong le, ask you to fill in the melody line, didnt realise the whole recording was a tone flatter (cus the first question asked for key, which is in F major but the recording was like in E). Africa music was the worst, i think. Ms ng never teach us how to differentiate between a balophone and timbila, and a lot of people put Indonesian music also. Prokofiev was just spamming, but i got scolded by ms ng during the paper cus i didnt know i wasnt supposed to do that question until the end of world music, and i finished it before world music ended. Overall its okay lar, dont dare to say its easy, but at least it isnt as hard as Ms Ng's paper.
~
Something quite funny happened yesterday.
My sis called home to tell her where she was (usual stuff we do before going home), and she said "kor, mummy leh?" then my bro replied, wrong number.. then i cant stop laughing =P

Anyway, dinner was really nice today, at IMM, and the strawberry cheescake as well..

And now i have more time on my violin.

ends. beginnings.

After every period, another sentence of words follow. After death, there is renewal. After foolishness, there is wisdom. But what is in between? Time. Time for us to realise, time for the Hand of God to guide, and time for us to come back to Him.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. - Eccl 3:1

I've gone round a circle; i have arrived to where i came from, though better equipped this time. I've gone out of the way, but now that i'm back, it only goes to show how gracious God is, to guide His children back to Him when they stray. What an amazing assurance to know that as God's children, we are all under His perfect Will!

Amazing, really.

Pastor was talking about life in James 4:13-17 on sunday, and he said this: what is our life? Our life is given to us, so that we may be a blessing to others. And what exactly have we been blessed with? Not with material goods, nor with riches. But with the love of Jesus, and the ability to love others.

Love.

Amazing, really.

MEP

O levels tomorrow, cant believe its so soon...

Its hard to study MEP, and i finally understand why quite a lot of people do not like this subject. Its just a super big questionmark as to what will come out since the word "music" covers close to everything. I'm glad that there are some notes for me to read and make myself "more prepared"/calm for the exams, but in my opinion, these are just some of the guiding answers when doing the paper. Prokofiev's life is somewhat complicated, and i just realised i have been memorising unimportant facts, mostly his works when i should concentrate on other things, hopefully the 12 mark questions will be on his works, then i will hit jackpot, but what are the chances again. I have a feeling that either the first period, or the 5 lines of his works thing will come out for the test, but once again, thats what i think.

My sister bday is TOMORROW!! and i wont even be seeing her, since i would have left home before she wakes up and be back home at 7? The original plan of writing her a song failed quite badly cus i dont have time.. maybe a card with a poem will do, sigh, bad brother...

Oh yar, and happy birthday to Hoe yong. 21 years old le, though we dont really know you for that long, still want to thank you for all the things you have done to help us on this tour. And im sorry i didnt go for chamber today to say happy bday to you.

And my violin teacher gave me 2 more studis after i told him how busy our practise was.. but nvm, since i finished the spicato one in 1 week i can do it this time again, up-bow staccato + double stops!! i will have time after wed, hopefully.

So i think i should go back and study now, taking a 1 hour break for lunch, and blogging, isnt that bad after all. Hope my section is surviving on its own now..

where do i begin?

Where do i even start? I didn't know exactly where it began, and before i knew it it zoomed past me. But when the shock, sadness, and the emotions have faded, I find that I am glad.

Because i have joy. The right decision has been made after all.

But its still an uphill climb; the end has ushered in a new beginning. It is an uphill climb to battle with my unneccessary fear to love, my lack of trust in God, with age, and with time. With temptation, pressure and expectation all around me, the hill is turning into a mountain.

The good news is, it doesn't make any difference, because i know He holds my hand.

One thing left to do now: wait.

whew

i am noob. but i'll just keep trying.

guess it'll all be worth it.

perth memories :)

worn out.

what else can i say.

weakened.

i've so many things to worry about i feel like i'm drowning slowly.


struggling.
gasping for breath.
no time.
nothing's at rest.

trying.
doing my best.
hard-pressed.
hope i pass the test.

painful.
worries overwhelm.
tired.
all my work's undone.

Lord grant me strength.

1 out of the 3

Everyday is different,
everyday is new.
Yet all i can feel is fear -
the fear of losing you.

One out of the 3 wishes,
crumbled when doubt appears.
The promises made that were broken,
the dreams we had, shattered.

For once you didnt have an answer,
as i stood there wondering for a moment
confused and clueless -
This false sense of emptiness that you gave to me.


Its happening to me time and time again. I am continuosly having this same feeling that the gap is widening between me and my friends. But at least you spoke to me, and thats all that matters.

Its a terrible game to play with people's heart, especially mine

Tunes that are stucked in my head..

pomp and circumstance march no. 1

And now you have bernard tan's tune stuck in my head..
Carmen movement 6 - scenes doesnt sound too bad as well
Fantasia or Resphigi
E.T and Harry Potter up next..

Today's rehearsal was quite a disaster, nobody is listening to anybody.
And the younger players, though ultra pro, lack a lot of discipline

Tomorrow will be a better day. At least i have completed half of my current mazas study that im supposed to finish this sunday.. ITS SPICCATO, hate learning notes =P

Prokofiev's life is so complicated, i mean if you were to study mine, first 16 years could fit into half a page when you need 14 pages to complete his.. Now i need to mug the piece!!

Fictional

It was the night of his debut. He was well prepared, technically and mentally.

As he strode up the stage, the applause was unexpectant. The hall was half empty anyway.

When the clapping died down, the conductor started. Above the quiverings of the strings, he made his entry. The warmth of his sound caused the once apathetic audience to sit up, suddenly attentive.

He went on, sometimes with and sometimes above the orchestra. He gave everything that night, his feelings, his experiences, and most of all, his hopes and dreams. For the whole nine minutes, the audience no longer heard. They listened.

The ending was quiet, like most romances. He had expanded himself. Sweat ran down his face and he was tired.

Rousing applause. Never had the audience heard such an effective interpretation.

But he was sad.

For he knew he could not take those dreams with him, off the stage.