me again.

dear hh,

There're so many things i want to tell u, but when i see u, the big things obstruct me and i cant tell u the insignificant, futile, yet important everyday things. Only time will tell.

Anyway, i was taken aback to have realised my lack of faith in God last night. It has plagued me even today, when i was supposed to have rekindled the fire. But God always says that His strength is seen in my weakness. The only thing left to do is to increase my faith. Indeed Lord, i have let You down. Please forgive me.

Please forgive me.

I thought today would be a better day. But in the morning someone said i would get scolded in the London masterclass for playing rachmaninov so lyrically when it's supposed to be babaric. Yes, i'm sure to get scolded for it, but its these things that don't need reminding because in bringing them up i remember the dashed dreams and along with it all the others i've tried to forget. Or at least avoid. But there - it came back to my head again. Oh well. Maybe confrontation is best.

Then it poured. You should have seen the rain - it shocked me somewhat. I didnt even hear it coming. I saw him and I saw her. And i thought abt it again. How ironic it must seem to know u are doing the right thing but feel at a loss all at the same time. It was like how Anna felt when she committed the sin of her life - there are no words for such complex and seemingly contradictory emotions. Of happiness, bitterness, agony, and peace. No words for that.

Well, something made me glad today though. My beloved pastime of playing the piano on rainy days. It was then I realised what music has done for me in my life. It has been my companion, my friend in loneliness. It's my tool of expression, it is how i show my greatest sincerity. It is part of me, and yet i've been too carried away by the pursuit of the perfection of it. You can say i've brought it upon myself: to only wake up from ceaseless pursuit when it shatters in front of me. What does perfection matter anymore? Music is what i love, not the pursuit of it. It is part of me; i've already found it.

No more running, no more senseless chasing for me.

So i've decided to pick up the broken glass and call xin's piano teacher. Finally i have direction. I also tried running 4 rounds today, specially selecting those lame boyband songs on my ipod to run to. Lame boyband songs arent very captivating to listen to, but at least they're useful for escaping sometimes.

You know, i cant believe i'm leaving on tuesday. I can't believe i'm going to the college where my examination was administered. Somewhere in my heart there's this foolish thought that after they hear me play i myself would obtain a place in there. Haha i laugh at myself as i type this. Wishful thinking. Oh well but the thought lingers. I have an affinity for silly things. I think you know that, even in my sanest moments :) But its all just so soon that i've yet to feel it. Then when u're in the midst of it it's robbed from you.

Yes, its getting harder, and sometimes i let my mind give up for awhile. Though i shouldn't do that. Its a daily struggle.

These are the so many things i say, at least right now. Whether they're significant or not, it doesnt really matter. But i just felt like saying them....just wanted u to know that at least i'm safe, i'm well, and i....

Well, that's another story.

Signing off, ~ame~