me, again.

Dear hh,

I was wondering why i'm compelled to do this, to write to you every day. But speculating a reason, or searching for one, i figured, wouldn't help me at all. So anyway, here are some things i have seen today and thought about.

It was shopping at ikea with mom today. Colourful bedsheets and petite wooden bedframes make me happy. I was aimlessly looking around for something peculiar as a birthday gift, and saw many other things along the way. I saw them selling a set of colourful scissors, and i felt like turning to u to say that these are the kind of things that i would buy and then never use them because when i want to use them, they never seem to be found, haha. But i had to stop myself from turning around to share this amusing thought, because i knew you weren't there.

Just as i was glancing through the cutlery and glassware section, I thought i saw the ex-concert master of the Spore Youth Orch...you know, the violinist who sits right at the front, and gives the tuning note to the rest of the orch. I turned to look at him again, somewhat relieved that my eyes were playing tricks on me. He's supposed to be overseas, studying the violin. Maybe i was relieved because at least i knew he was out there making his dream come true.

Walking and having lunch with mom was a fairly quiet affair. We had only exchanged our thoughts about how many ice-cube trays we should buy, or how many hotdogs we should buy back for my brothers. Initially, i felt a slight fear of being alone with mom, something i've not been able to do for ages; but after a while it went away. However, that didnt change the fact that there're things i've never told her, and she had things that she'd never tell me either. You once said that the most important things are never said, and i felt it so today. But somewhere in me, i actually like these things not being said - even though i can't say i feel absolutely comfortable about it, i can see myself living this way, at least for now.

Maybe that's where all the problems started, this fear of confrontation.

NHG organized some Family Day outing today, and my family was supposed to go to sentosa. But it started pouring real bad again and that dampened my spirits a little. As i looked out of the car window, observing the rain writing something incomprehensible on the windscreen, mom told me about how some Londoners suffer from winter blues. According to her, they see a grey sky and feel the chill so bad that they go into depression. I raised an eyebrow, and i secretly thanked God i wasn't born in a place with permanently grey skies.

I was pondering about the day i'll leave, and i imagined her confiding with me on how she missed him. Then i thought about my response to it. I think all i can offer her is an empathetic smile. Besides, i'm already there, and the tangible distance would not make that much of a difference, i hope. But don't worry about me; i will keep my promise, even though its hard sometimes.

The rain has retreated to a drizzle, so maybe i'll go to the beach after all. I still haven't figured out why i feel compelled to tell you all this though. Maybe its just a reaction to the thought that i'll be away very soon, and won't be able to do this for 8 days.

Maybe, just maybe. Hang in there, dear.

signing off, ~ame~