try ngee-ing the alphabet.

2008-05-31T23:02:00.002+08:00

I was just speaking to a dear friend a few nights ago. We spoke of the 'ngee' and the good old days. It's probably time to leave this blog behind. The blog which means so much more than any other, one that represents a deep connection between four unique individuals in the midst of growing up. Whatever happens, you all will always be very close to my heart.

Signing out,
oli.

http://onlyremoteconsonances.blogspot.com

2008-05-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

Perhaps the key to understanding art music lies in the following quote from Arnold Schoenberg's Theory of Harmony...

"Art..... is the imitation of inner nature. In other words, art does not then represent merely the objects or occasions that make impressions, but above all these impressions themselves, ultimately without reference to their What, When and How. Inference of the original, external object is here perhaps of only secondary importance due to its lack of immediacy."

mania

2008-05-08T01:15:00.002+08:00

i'm afraid to say it to you.

i've tried to be brave and failed.

some of you dont want to hear it from me anymore.

it hurts alot.

i need intensive, time-consuming help.

i dont want help from people i dont trust.

i want to run far far away but i have to go to camp so i cant.

shit. what the hell is wrong with me

2008-05-05T00:46:00.002+08:00

Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are they who keep his statutes
and seek after him with all their heart.
They do nothing wrong;
they walk in his ways.
You have laid down precepts
that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my heart were steadfast
in obeying your decrees!
I will praise you with an upright heart
as i learn your righteous laws.
I will obey your decrees;
do not utterly forsake me.

How can a young man keep his way pure?
By living according to your word.
I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
Praise be to you, O Lord;
teach me your decrees.
With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
I rejoice in your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

2008-05-01T18:53:00.000+08:00

I fear being alone nowadays. My mind isn't what it used to be. It used to be much safer.

2008-04-22T19:52:00.001+08:00

the singapore education system is full of shit.

2008-04-12T22:58:00.002+08:00

Just got back from SSO concert. Barber's Violin Concerto and Mahler's Fifth Symphony. Mahler was simply amazing. Listening to the great work in the concert hall is definitely twice as moving as listening to recordings. Barber was good but the acoustics were not and Kam Ning was frequently drowned out.

It's been a long week. Signals storeman course starts on monday. Sextet has been fun but I need alot of practise... Time has been scarce lately.

I need to get back to composing. It's too much of a waste to leave good ideas on the shelf.

To a one-time friend

2008-04-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

-

Hello my one-time friend! You've been gone so long and we don't talk anymore. I kind of miss those days we spent together... Those three years of close friendship. I admit I had (and still have) my failings. I was proud and self-absorbed alot of the time and probably not the most transparent person around. I guess we both were in some way. You do mean alot to me though it's kind of awkward thinking about it sometimes and I hope one day we will meet again. If you happen to read this, please do contact me!

Yours,
oli =)

-

2008-03-31T21:12:00.001+08:00

again i say, Your will be done. Create in me a clean heart.

-

Shitty day. But ah well... I shan't complain. James MacMillan is worth listening to. Scottish composer of many Christ-inspired tone-poems. The World's Ransoming is heart-wrenching.

2008-03-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

King of my life, I crown Thee now,
Thine shall the glory be;
Lest I forget Thy thorn crowned brow,
Lead me to Calvary.

Lest I forget Gethsemane,
Lest I forget Thine agony;
Lest I forget Thy love for me,
Lead me to Calvary.

Show me the tomb where Thou wast laid,
Tenderly mourned and wept;
Angels in robes of light arrayed
Guarded Thee whilst Thou slept.

Let me like Mary, through the gloom,
Come with a gift to Thee;
Show to me now the empty tomb,
Lead me to Calvary.

May I be willing, Lord, to bear
Daily my cross for Thee;
Even Thy cup of grief to share,
Thou hast borne all for me.

-

Words are cheap. Oh Lord give me the strength to do your thing. Your thing be done on earth as it is in heaven. Your thing not my thing. heehee =)

2008-03-24T22:17:00.005+08:00

It's strange going to the barber for a haircut when I have to little hair on my head. But I did today because I was told that my sideburns were getting long. Anyway, it seemed the barber did not feel right giving me a quick 5 minute haircut for $9 so he took his time evening out the hair lengths on both sides of my head and by the time he was done my hair was much shorter than I wanted. Ah well...

My random long walks are something mysterious even to myself. I embark on them on sudden impulse and without really understanding why and I come out of them with stark memories of what I saw and where I went.

So here is one of the stark experiences I had, all alone on a bridge above a wide highway, just after regaining my sense of where I was in a confusing and uncomfortable neighboudhood and just before losing my way again in a large industrial park.

2008-03-23T21:10:00.002+08:00

It's Easter Sunday.

Thank you Lord for this past weekend. Thank you reminding me of your presence and who you are. Thank you for the gift of music. Most of all thank you for what you did on the cross.

-

Anyway, I'm now a signals storeman at pasir laba camp in the far west. Life is good but generally boring and uneventful. I'm just happy I have more time now to do what I want.

I also had a masterclass cum seminar with violinist Dr. Maurice Sklar yesterday. He's a blessed (classically-trained) musician of the Lord and his teaching on the purpose and history of classical music is really something that Christian classical musicians should listen to.

The long weekend is ending... I shan't waste anymore time blogging. =)

2008-03-19T23:26:00.001+08:00

life is good =)

2008-02-08T22:31:00.000+08:00

4 weeks have passed. Army's been great fun! New friends and people... Exciting things to do and many laughs here and there.

yet... something about the past tugs at me. someone and someones... this and that... and it kind of eats me out from the inside. it prevents me from enjoying the present.

-

Oh Lord help me to surrender.

2008-01-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

deb/ streaks of stupidity says (7:16 PM):
men sounds fun
deb/ streaks of stupidity says (7:16 PM):
hahahaha!
oli - guaipot. sibei suay says (7:16 PM):
WHAT
deb/ streaks of stupidity says (7:16 PM):
mend
deb/ streaks of stupidity says (7:16 PM):
mendel
hahahaha she meant mendelssohn.

Anyway... sibei suay got high fever and and was sent home on saturday. Going back in tomorrow. Ah well. It's not bad. Quite exciting actually.

It's strange not hearing proper music for 3 days. The fever kind of warps your sense of what things sound like. Today I was well enough to go to the piano and tinker around and the sounds that came out were refreshing and almost new. I enjoyed them very much

2007-12-30T01:36:00.000+08:00

sucky day.

-

There's something about the solo violin music of Bach and Ysaye that makes you want more. Maybe it's the cleaness of everything, the lonely struggles and musings, and the certain amount of detachment involved. Safe music that doesn't require too much emotional involvment. Gentlemanly in a way. Safe.

-

Anyway i just got the Ysaye violin sonatas by Leonidas Kavakos off emusic.com. Very nicely played indeed, with restraint and avoiding excess 'interpretation'. Also got Kalevi Aho's tuba and contrabassoon concertos (woot CONTRABASSOON CONCERTO!) which are really powerful pieces. Passages in the lowest ranges of the above instruments tend to be felt more physically than anything else! You can almost feel your innards quiver. I did, however, waste precious credits on the Dvorak serenades by the Prague Chamber Orchestra. The recording is bland and unexciting and it seems playing without a conductor does not always turn out successful. The different string sections rarely complement each other's playing style and the recording sounds like a midi file. bleagh...

2007-12-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

When trusting and not asking is painful.

When being encouraging hurts.

Ah well...

It's no longer I that liveth, but Christ that liveth in me...

haha i just realised the O(liver) liveth pun >.<

I am still happy =)

2007-12-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

i've been tagged my debbie! ah well first time doing one of these meme things...

Favourites...

Colour: Blue, Green
Food: pretty much anything... CHENG TNG. the one from outside my house
Movie: I don't really fancy movies that much.
Sport: Does running count? I love covering distances =)
Day: Friday night to saturday night. This 24 hour window tends to be the most stress and worry-free time of the week.
Season: Spring
Ice-cream: Ben and Jerries Dublin Mudslide

Current...

Mood: Content and quite happy. It's been a great day! Thanks guys and girl =)
Clothes: shorts, church t-shirt and windbreaker (the aircon in my mum's room is cold)
Desktop: Background photo of the rainforest at macritchie... icons generally neat and unused.
Time: 12.03AM, 27th Dec 2007
Surrounding: Computer, large bar of cadbury in tupperware, printers and other computer things, enough space to move around (unlike someone's room *ahem* =P)

Firsts...

Best Friend: Wow I don't remember... probably Joel Wee (wonder if you're reading this?)
Movie: Don't remember...... so long ago
Crush: erm... this girl in p2 i think. i think her name was Celeste but i'm not sure >.<
Music I played: Hot cross buns on the piano hahaha

Lasts...

Drink: Iced milo.
Car Ride: Cab home from aunt's house after Christmas dinner last night.
Crush: Hmmm... this is a grey area which i shall avoid for now.
CD Played: Mahler Symphony No.3, Sir Georg Solti, Chicago Symphony Orchestra (its so drearily long i only got past the first two movements (of of six) which are already makes 40 minutes)

Have You Ever...

Dated one of your best friends? Hahaha SIGHHHHHHHHH no comment.
Broken the law? I used to be a music pirate but i now HONOUR I.P. =)
Been arrested? no

Random

5 things you're good at (in no order of merit):
Er...
1) Identifying birds (from years of birding)
2) Ranting about music and how pianos are lousy instrments
3) Eating dessert
4) Eating slowly
5)

3 things you hear right now:
1) Mythbusters on TV
2) Schumann's Rhenish Symphony (No.3)
3) Noise from airliners passing overhead.

2 things you'll probably never do:
1) be fat
2) skydive or other extreme sports which involve heights or g forces.

1 thing you seriously regret doing:
Hmmm there isnt something i really regret doing. Live life without regrets! Anyway, I always regret it when I allow friendships to sour. Yeah...

5 people to tag:
1) LOSH
2) Cheryl Sim
3) Xuan

3 only lar. lazy to think of more people

-

Yep thanks guys for coming over today =)

2007-12-25T00:32:00.000+08:00

The amount of pretence that exists in relationships and interactions between people is very stunning.

2007-12-24T02:28:00.000+08:00

dammit.

I'm tired of being appreciated.
Appreciation is not at all what i want.

Neither do I want respect.
The sort given to seemingly quietly helpful individuals.

Damn, when will anyone realise, that what people want

and need

is care.

or dare I say...

love?

-

At this point, oli gets out of his chair frustrated. He grabs a few random things on the table and flings them around the room with all the strength in his arms.

Then he pauses for a moment and thinks to himself.

"shit. isn't that perfect love and care something that God promises? Why have I stubbornly refused to ask for it? Pride? Self-righteousness? Delusion? A worldly perspective of things?"

-

Oh Lord help me. Be strong in my weakness. For my heart and my flesh they fail me.

Take me once again into the depths of Your love and grace.

Help me to have no other before You.

Seal my heart for Your courts above.

All this I ask in Your name.

2007-12-13T15:18:00.000+08:00

Congrats to wilford for getting 3rd prize in the piano intermediate category!

Violin artist finals tonight should be fun to watch.

In other news, today I went birdwatching for the first time in about a year. Ubin was rather quiet and David and I were feeling rather lazy... It seems I've lost the birding touch. The quarry near the jetty has a huge heronry of about 100 Grey Herons (Ardea cinerea) with many breeding pairs and nestlings, lots of migrant egrets of various species and a family of White-bellied Fish-Eagles (Haliaeetus leucogaster). The henronry with the looming rainclouds and a soaring juvenile eagle was a rather spectecularly surreal experience. One about life, heaven, growing-up, family and freedom. I shall soon be back there with cameras and stuff.

ah well...

2007-12-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

Back from Hongkong. The temperature is perfect (16-21 degrees C) but the air is very polluted because of nearby Shenzhen. Visited Disneyland HK which was quite exciting being my first visit to the theme park anywhere in the world. I dislike roller coasters in general especially those indoor ones in which you don't know whats coming next. Walked alot and shopped here and there and finally got a set of complete bruckner symphonies by eugen jochum/staatskapelle dresden. HK Records is cheap and HMV is a ripoff even in Had some good korean bbq. Fatty beef.

Anyway, it kind of sucks to be home, to remember things and to be jolted back into reality.

2007-12-02T00:05:00.000+08:00

&'nicole i am not "the dvorak girl" says (12:03 AM):
does deb normally bake cakes
&'nicole i am not "the dvorak girl" says (12:03 AM):
because i feel like a cake.
&'nicole i am not "the dvorak girl" says (12:03 AM):
as in,
oli - says (12:03 AM):
hahahahahaah
oli - says (12:03 AM):
HAHAHAHAHA
&'nicole i am not "the dvorak girl" says (12:03 AM):
i feel like baking a cake.
oli - says (12:03 AM):
i wonder what cakes feel like

ahahahahaha....

Anyway prom was fun and staying over at daniel's uncle's place was sooo funny. Watched 1408 and Ocean's 13 and went to sleep at 5 with losh's feet in my face. Then woke up at 6, had a big breakfast, went to losh's house to slack around and went for hoeyeong's piano quartet rehearsal on one hour of sleep and ended the long day with SYO concert which was not particularly exciting.

Past few days have been rather mundane.

I want mangoes and icecream.

2007-11-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

The pain and unsettledness of Mahler seems ohso far away and somewhat immature.

My hope is in you oh Lord.

-

Messed up my EDB interview. I knew the answers to everything but nothing came out right and i was tired so meeting losh auggie clem poh and daniel brought much comfort. Dinner at NYNY was immensely satisfying.

Thanks guys! =)

2007-11-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I've posted but I'm back. To sum up the past month, mugging was mundane, exams were fine and the past week has made me very poor indeed. Lots of notes to learn for star wars concert and hoeyeong's chamber music marathon >.<>

On another note,

I AM IN LOVE WITH PELICANS! specifically, THIS PELICAN (thanks to nicole for the photo!).

It's SOOOOOO CUTE! gosh i wish i had one in my bathroom. I would fill the bathtub with water and let it swim around and feed it fish.

2007-11-25T00:05:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, my heart is so unsure.
Nothing's certain anymore
And I doubt the things I know.

Sometimes, my praise is empty words,
And I know I'm not sincere.
I don't mean the things I say.

Sometimes, sometimes,
My tired heart falters and can't go on.
It's Your love that makes me strong,
Sometimes...

Sometimes, sometimes,
It's harder that I thought it would be.
It's Your grace that upholds me,
Sometimes...

-

Oh Lord i need your grace and your presence. Nothing else will satisfy me and give me peace and comfort.

2007-10-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

I love literature, though it seems I rarely have the motivation or patience to read anything. Music, on the other hand, requires no more than a listening ear and a certain level of emotional involvement.

Convenient =)

2007-10-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

i have run dry.

it seems you can only give away as much as you get.

and it seems i'm running a huge deficit.

i have been for a long time. every now and then it makes itself felt.

each time with more vehemence than the last...

sort of like bubble wrap. theres always more to break. they keep searching for anything last bit of wholeness do away with.

and melancholy is long exhausted.

i wonder what comes next?

maybe its time to be protectionist.

2007-10-13T22:17:00.000+08:00

2007-10-09T20:41:00.001+08:00

i kept quiet about it.

for fear of being taken in the wrong light.

but there are lines not to be crossed.

a blurry one no doubt.

be careful please... for your own sake.

2007-10-05T00:23:00.001+08:00

shitty week.

Had a medical appt with Dr. Lam for leg length on monday.
Fell sick on tuesday.
Ran a fever through to Thursday morning.
Slept alot.
All this time trying to get myself to finish my long overdue CAS.
Prelim results were lukewarm.

Now friday beckons and it doesnt look very smooth from where I am.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-09-07T21:49:00.001+08:00

Long bus or MRT rides are strangely condusive environments to experience music. Buses and trains are like concert halls. You sit down and you're not allowed to move for extended periods of time and if you plug in your earphones you either listen attentively or go to sleep. Listening to music while sitting in front of the computer multitasking often makes music no more than a peripheral noise and nothing ever strikes you because you're never paying attention. It also helps to go upstairs on double-decker buses and sitting right in front away from the tvmobile speakers gives you the most peace and quiet. The modified buses for the disabled have NO TV MOBILE and are most ideal. Listening on trains is generally good unless the train is in a tunnel. Find a seat in a quiet spot, avoiding noisy incessant chatter and crowds.

Bus 14 from home to dover
60 mins
Beethoven's 9th symphony. Karajan/BPO

MRT from jurong east to tanah merah
40 mins
Dvorak's cello concerto. Du Pre/Barenboim/CSO

2007-09-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

It's incredibly hard to compose music. Most of the time i attempt something and then it doesnt work or it doesnt turn out the way i wanted or i dont know how to write down what i hear in my head or i write it down and realise it isnt original and that sucks.

bleh maybe it really is a special gift only a select few have.

Anyway, prelims next week! how exciting.

I can't listen to music and study at the same time because I get too emotionally involved in it and lose focus on what i'm studying. ARGH well unless its bach cello suites or something and i turn the volume really low (which is stupid cos WHATS THE POINT OF LISTENING TO MUSIC WHEN YOU CANT HEAR THE NUANCES AND STUFF).

yeah so for me studying is a pretty silent affair.

2007-08-28T00:51:00.001+08:00

and this too!

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=oli_tan

2007-08-28T00:27:00.000+08:00

this is quite cool:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=oli_tan

sort of like self-evaluation

2007-08-23T22:52:00.000+08:00

I watched as you disembarked. It was unbelievably tv drama-like.

It troubled me, how things tended to repeat themselves.

-

Oh Lord help me with my unbelief.

Give me more faith to trust in You and Your ways.

For you are an awesome God!

Have mercy on me.

2007-08-22T23:21:00.001+08:00

i had failed to grasp the ideas the adagietto and finale of mahler's 5th presented.

maybe i was just blind to the good things around me

such that all i heard

was the hopelessness in the funeral march
the tempest of the sturmisch movement
the pretentiousness of the scherzo

but amidst all this there is joy.
if we try to reach it.

2007-08-21T19:59:00.001+08:00

maybe you're right.

i'm being so damn stupid

2007-08-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

backache =(

2007-08-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

Today i finally understood the meaning of these two verses...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your paths.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all its righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.

He is the Lord of all things, including your IOC, and he wants to bless you with good results as long as you know why. Don't pray for something so that you might use it for selfish purposes, but rather pray according to His will. Above all trust in Him and DO NOT WORRY

=)

2007-08-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

just the other day,

i tried to start a conversation.

it was rather awkward...

but you went away without saying much.

and i realised you were gone forever.

2007-08-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

by Your strength alone Lord...

take control.

keep me from harm so that i may be free from pain

2007-08-10T01:06:00.000+08:00

mahler's symphony no.5 is the most insane genius shit in the world.

oh mann... i'm reeling from the experience of listening to the whole thing from start to end with a score in front of me.

65 minutes of insane shit.

mind-blowing music.

2007-08-09T20:16:00.000+08:00

Happy national day!

haha i think the one reason why people dont sing the national anthem in the morning is not because we cant give a damn about our nation but because it is in a horrible key.

2007-08-07T23:24:00.000+08:00

i shall be what you want me to be.

your friendship i treasure more than other 'lesser' things.

=)

2007-08-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

After listening to Debussy's piano music (for the first time due to personal prejudices against the piano), I shall take back to some extent what i said about pianos being inferior to other more advanced modes of music making such as the orchestra.

The writing of piano music is an art in itself, something that i cannot grasp fully... how the use of a notes of a single unchangeable tone colour, incapable of the subtle nuances and dynamic flexibilities of string and wind instruments, can be strung together in long lines which make sense.

2007-08-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

its like walking knowingly into a booby-trapped room in which the walls are high and slippery and begin to move towards each other crushing anyone in between. Both walls. Moving faster than i thought they would.

2007-08-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

not allowed to hope.

nope.

not allowed.

WHY

DAMMIT

WHY

2007-08-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

and so it ends...

4 years in the acs orchestra, 2 years of insane pioneer work in the acphil.

lets be happy we all contributed to something big. something worth remembering.

and lets hope that this something will be brought to new heights by others to come!

God bless you all, acphil.

we'll be back! =)

2007-08-04T23:43:00.001+08:00

and thus http://ngeeee.blogspot.com returns to the one who started it.

alone once again.

2007-07-31T00:03:00.000+08:00

emusic.com is good stuff

heres what I got in 50 free downloads during the 2 week trial period (and i do intend to pay for a proper subscription after that):

Gorecki: Symphony No.3 "Symphony of Sorrowful Songs"- Antoni Wit, Polish Radio National Symphony Orchestra
Glinka: Viola Sonata in D minor - Nobuko Imai, Roger Pontinen
Glass: Symphony No.4 "Heroes" - Marin Alsop, Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra
Rawsthorne: Symphony No.3 - David Lloyd-Jones, Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra
Martinu: Double Concerto for 2 String Orchestras, piano and timpani - James DePriest, Malmo Symphony Orchestra
Piston, Harbison and Alder Viola Concertos - Randolphe Kelly, Latvian National Symphony Orchestra, Aleksandrs Vilumanis
Aho: Symphonic Dances, Symphony No.11 - Lahti Symphony Orchestra, Osmo Vanska
Arnold: Four Scottish Dances, Op.59 - Malcolm Arnold, London Philharmonic Orchestra
Saint-Saens: Violin Concerto No.3 in B minor, Op.61 - Vadim Brodsky, Polish Radio National Symphony Orchestra, Andrzej Straszynski

yep. overdose of deep modern stuff. now back to some nice simple uncomplicated bach. or is it?

2007-07-20T22:08:00.000+08:00

Rehearsals have been tiring. Gabriel Ng pwns all.

-

I really need some of God somewhere.

2007-07-16T22:04:00.000+08:00

If I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Sergei Rakhmaninov.

Melancholy

Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

2007-07-16T07:19:00.001+08:00

I treasured those few precious moments
In the twilight,
Illuminated by the glow of the screen.

The closeness i miss so much,
That closeness i can no longer have.

But today
My rêveries and passions
Shall be wrapped up and stored away
Someplace.

-

Playing with the WAYO was exhilarating. Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique definitely lives up to its name. Lots of faking here and there especially in Hindemith's Symphonic Metamorphoses on Themes by Weber but overall the music making was incredible. Hosts were Sam Parry and parents Geoff and Kay Parry. Many thanks to them for being great hosts and a great family to be with! They're a bunch of people I will miss very much and I hope our paths cross again some day.

yep so that concludes the peak of my musical experience so far!

time to sleep.

2007-07-05T00:30:00.000+08:00

to be totally crushed,

and then to go on and carry someone else's burdens.

Christ's death on the cross must have really sucked big time.

2007-07-05T00:02:00.001+08:00

alone. so very very alone.

and afraid.

2007-07-04T00:31:00.001+08:00

I shall take back what i said in my post on the 2nd of july 2007. But it shall remain there as a testament to my selfishness and rashness.

2007-07-03T14:38:00.000+08:00

"But its so unfair!", I had complained to Him.

And he said,

"But those who came later were not pleased with the successor. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." - Ecclesiastes 4:16b. (NIV)

2007-07-03T12:28:00.000+08:00

Jesus, Lover of my soul.
Jesus I will never let you go.
You've taken me from the miry clay
You set my feet upon the Rock
And now I know.

I love You, I need You
Though my world may fall
I'll never let you go.
My saviour, my closest friend
I will worship you until the very end.

2007-07-02T17:01:00.000+08:00

i think i'm losing my mind

2007-07-02T15:10:00.001+08:00

you knew.

go away.

i thought you cared.

you don't.

i've been controlling myself for a long time.

you on the other hand, have been running wild and pushing my limits. now i break again.

-

i wish things were different.

culture?

2007-06-30T16:16:00.000+08:00

The first, crazy, exhaustive week of exams are finally over, and I bet half of you out there expect cries of "yay!!" or sighs of relief, but Nooo I still have history to study for and all this China history is really getting into my system.

Well, everything but the exam facts are getting into my system >.<

So I was reading about the effects of the Cultural Revolution and Michael Lynch reported in his book that the greatest loss the CR brought about was the destruction of human nature. He quoted a fellow PRC Chinese poet, and he said that, as of that point of time, "we had no culture". One thing that irks me (and amuses me, in a tragic sort of way) is how we as history students can just read history out of a page, speed-read over the casualty numbers of 30 million, and then close the book and move on to something else without really experiencing the impact of it all. It's actually quite inhuman sometimes; especially when one has to give a balanced argument when trying to make sense of why Mao launched the CR, and hence offer some sort of justification for his actions. I don't get it. Don't those historians (or exam-paper setters) understand that some arguments just cannot be balanced? Reducing the tragedy into a concise section of another book on the shelf is an inevitable loss (in some sense), but justifying mass-murder based on intentions (esp. political intentions, which are usually kinda crappy) is simply not doing justice. Can you imagine the 30 million people turning in their graves as we summarise their plight into one of the factors in our two-page essays? Sounds freaky, doesn't it.

Haha still don't get it? I'm hinting at the eternal abolishment of history exams!!

Okay the second thing that led me wandering away from my alleged studying for exams was about culture. This is the picture in my head: politics <--> culture <--> human nature. I'm not sure what the arrows mean exactly (except that they're closely related), but here's the equation that got stuck in my head when I read about the destruction of Chinese culture to create a new one. The Marxist-Leninist view on culture is this: that culture i.e. arts, literature is the direct expression of the social and political state of the country at that time. I was going "hmmm" over this for quite a bit, because besides it being labelled Marxist, this view is partially true, depending on the country. Well, I think culture in Singapore is very much political - by this I'm referring to bah-chor mee stall culture (haha) and our petty complaints about the government. At this point, another image appears in my head: human nature --> politics --> sentiments evoked --> emergence of culture. Maybe that's how politics is part of culture. But I'm sure there's more to it than this. Maybe culture comes about in two ways: by the embracing of beauty and diversity on this planet (through many ways, like dance, writing, drama, music), and by expressing grief and societal ugliness (if i might add) in various ways as well. It's all about expressing human ideals and imperfections, through the channelling of energies and passions (positive or negative) into the creative sector.

Orh...so maybe that's why the Chinese poet described the CR as a time when they lost their culture. I bet they had much to express inside them, but there were no avenues of expression. Hmm loss of culture = no avenues of expression? Probably. Oh yeah, and in some ways, political structures do limit expression; but some art forms get away with it better than others. Take for instance, music and art. The message commonly perceived by the masses when they look or listen to art and music always consist of ambiguity, which is always good cos then you can't pin anything against the artist. Whereas literature and drama tend to get into trouble with the authorities - I'm not saying that there's no ambiguity in literature, but somehow, the message conveyed through it is more, how do u say, obvious. (U may not agree with me though: I see potential flaws in that statement already) But then again, taking into consideration the politicizing of culture in our age, I guess we can't make do without political bodies too. What a peculiar situation. Haha.

Oh well, so much for history, culture and exams. Now this is the link I see in my head:

studying --> I NEED A BREAK.

mahler.

2007-06-13T00:35:00.000+08:00

Mahler represents the epitome of art music. Here is why.

He is unrestricted by human resources. His gargantuan orchestras and choruses are delicately and purposefully used (rather than spamming winds, brass and other odd instruments to create more noise as many others are fond of doing).
He is unrestricted by the usual audience's attention span. (It is debatable whether this is actually a good thing to do)
He wrote what he thought. Each symphony is a philosophical work, a treatise on a subject and exposes his struggles and emotions in life with extreme vividness.
His music is not limited by 'properness'. Raw emotion hits you hardest. Why sacrifice the effectiveness of music because of tradition?
A conductor himself, he knew that other conductors would have a hell of a time reading his scores so he helped them by adding footnotes.
He constructed many of his symphonies from themes and ideas in his orchestral songs and this reworking of material puts all his creative resources to the greatest possible purpose in his symphonies. The symphonies are like summaries of everything he thought and everything he had written.
Basically he had something to say and he knew how to say it.

As a purist, it is hard to reconcile the fact that sung texts are used in symphonic works. After all, why add a literary or textual dimension to music if it is possible to say the same things without the words?

categorizing......90% complete

2007-06-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

Some people have requested a post here to brighten up the general lethargy of the holidays. And the previous emo-ating posts x.x So, here you go.

So...what have I been doing? Go figure.

Dissecting ame's mind

Lol! Even as we 'embark' on this oh-so-incredible 'journey of discovery' , I need to put a disclaimer too: I don't have much of an idea as to where this is going!
Hmm. Let's see...

The happy ame: Well, I don't really need to elaborate do I? The first few people who got to know me last year can profess that I used to laugh perpetually. I wonder up till today, why and how I could laugh with or without reason. I must have been mad! But the two years have thought me to sober down a bit, and I must say I miss those final chances of childhood. Or maybe behind laughter there was a mature philosophy - why worry when you can laugh? Haha but I doubt so. I doubt I was that wise. Am I wise now? I have noo idea...We're idiots, really. Idiots for maturity.

The emo ame: Observant people, do you notice the similarity between the pronunciations of those two words? 'emo'; 'ame'; 'ome'? Haha. This is a dangerous side of me - the tendency toward histronics is really strong sometimes. Maybe the overdoze of movies and media over-exposure has subconsciously invaded my brain! Beware - no one is spared. It's so familiar, isn't it? The deliberate focusing on a problem, the magnification of its size, and its overwhelming effect that renders you helpless. We've all been there before, no matter how unjustified it may be. It's like swimming in the sea - you really wanna get out of it, but it's so much easier to drown. Or maybe it's just them ole' hormones: did you know that the teenage hormone surge only settles when you're 18? Haha at least there's hope out of it. The sea of hormones. Hurhurhur.

The rational ame: I think my voice of reason is relative, to how reasonable you'd think reason should be. Mmm actually I don't have much to say here, but it DOES NOT imply I'm entirely irrational (argh I just knew you would think that!). I find reason quite unconscious sometimes, and it's hard to put it down in words/on paper.

The competitive ame: All of this part of my brain is probably fuelled by pride. It's obviously wrong, but it's hard to get rid of. This part of me makes me work hard, and it makes me climb higher and beyond myself. It makes me glad that I win, and sensitive to criticism when I don't. I used to cry when I lost at snakes-and-ladders - I have not lost this part of childhood, I guess I've just learnt to deal with it better. No angry stomping of small feet, but it's probably an achille's heel.

The dreamy ame: This is quite a broad category of thought, actually. It encompasses stoning, thought-wandering, having no idea what's going on but looking like I do anyway, and stuff like that. Take for example, English class. Just sit in my class for one hour and you'll realise who are the genuine thinkers, those who appear to be thinking, the scribes, the quiet listeners, the stoners. Well, half the time I try so hard to catch up in the note-taking that I hardly have time to think of the loopholes in arguments. So class just whizzes past me, and then I think of a question only 1 hour later. Haha so much for being slow, eh.
Absent-mindedness can kill. Seriously. I would know it x.x A few hours back I forgot what day it was! And a dozen other instances, especially regarding money - which is bad, because all you dishonest folks out there can go out and cheat me in broad daylight without being caught! Humph.

The crude, grose ame: I will NOT go into details here, it would be really grose x.x Well, with both parents in the medical field (and one in endoscopy), you don't expect civilised, dinner-table-appropriate conversations at the dinner-table! OK ok, no more details; no more details. haha.

And so we have embarked on the convoluted route into the parts of my mind that I'm conscious of. haha. Maybe there'll be a part two. Part two of Siddhartha-ish self-discovery.

2007-06-05T00:49:00.001+08:00

When truth is spoken, when darkness is brought into light, there we find resolution.

I have found my peace. I pray you'll find yours too. Be honest.

2007-06-01T00:29:00.000+08:00

i hate the fact that i'm so bloody lazy.
i hate the fact that i cant control my emotions.
i hate the fact that i lie alot.
i hate the fact that i'm proud of the wrong things.
i hate the fact that i'm so indifferent.
i hate the fact that i love the world more than i love God.
i hate the fact that i can be so selfish.
i hate the fact that i can be so incredibly disrespectful to my parents.
i hate the fact that i can do horrible things and not feel guilty anymore.
i hate the fact that there are so many things wrong with me at once and i cant seem change them.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-

Psalm 6
LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
No one remembers you when he is dead.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from groaning;
all night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the LORD has heard my weeping.
The LORD has heard my cry for mercy;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed;
they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

-

Deliver me Lord.

-

It is in my weakness that you are strong.

my cry.

2007-05-31T00:54:00.000+08:00

Lord you are greater than all these fleeting things. If these things do not please You then Lord please take them away. Help me to be free to serve You and to know You better. Bless me and enlarge my territory. Keep me from harm so that I may be free from pain.

2007-05-29T21:22:00.000+08:00

i dont know.

all i can say is that i try.

or maybe i try too hard.

-

Oh LORD help me.

Restore my soul.

I really need You.

Help. Help. Help.

turning point?

2007-05-26T21:58:00.001+08:00

Many things have happened in the past few weeks; I wonder if anyone noticed a change?

Powerful stuff
The last week of school was probably the most intellectually unprogressive one in the whole term: teachers were missing and there was just this overwhelming atmosphere of slack. But I learnt, or rather experienced, some fairly powerful stuff. Yes yes I'm talking about the tennis, rugby, badminton and hockey matches. After missing the rugby finals last year, I made it a point to watch this year's, and I was, er, greatly rewarded? No I can't say that - we lost to RJC by a very very close margin. But what I meant was that I was greatly rewarded with the privilege of just being there and of witnessing a spirit that I can't exactly quantify, qualify or express it in words.
What is the AC spirit? I think if I described the tearful aftermath and solemnity of the match to my brother, he would probably laugh at how 18-year old gentlemen can cry over a game. Others might view it with disdain, scorn, jealousy and what not, but I'm quite sure that every person who was there did feel they were part of something special, regardless of the outcome. It was in the impulse to jump to your feet and cheer when the team fought back; it was in the unity of sentiment that we felt toward the team. Maybe it was all about being one - one strong, collective, cohort. I have tried to put a word to it, but it seems that these attempts have failed. But whatever it was, I'm proud to say that I've been part of something awesome.
I'm proud to be an ACSian. (:

Loving school more
This might sound crazy, but as I was in the car looking out at the passing road, it hit me that this is probably the best state of life I can ever wish for: I've got my youth, I've got love, I've got friends, I've got school, I've got health, I've got God, I've got a future and everything's going well for me. I figured that this fantastic phase of life ain't gonna last very long, so let's all bask in it for awhile. Of course, we should all try to maintain such optimism regardless of our circumstances, but I don't think anyone's that noble to say that they can keep it up all the time.
But for now, I really do feel I'm blessed. And there ain't nothing wrong in feeling blessed. Just remember to thank God for it. (:
This might sound even crazier, but as the thought of exams emerge from the back of my mind like a animation pop-up that scares u by suddenly appearing on an empty computer screen, I do not find myself dragging my feet to school anymore. In fact, I wake up relieved knowing that I have a place to go, friends to meet, and things to learn. Yeah I know, crazy only begins to describe me now right. Maybe its part of my pressing need for structure and predictability in my life, but I'm really starting to like school, regardless of its uniform rules regarding the pieces of cloth you wear on your feet every day (heh), or the increasing unproductivity of lessons nowadays. Haha YES it's precisely because of the increasing number of free periods that I'm liking school more, but that's only part of the reason. I guess it's only when good things start to come to an end, that we start to appreciate what we've had. By good things, I mean hanging around with my fellow SL2 math class ppl during SL1 periods (love you, yy! haha), feeding the fish, shouting from block C to block B (we seriously need a bridge frm 6.8 to 6.15!), laughing a lot, among other things. With more Career fairs and scholarship pressures from teachers and parents, part of me - in fact, most of me - wants to stay here in my small world forever, to freeze this capsule of mine, with me inside it. Sounds a little morbid, you say, but the world out there is kinda scary to me too. It's a little like I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, but applying it to a different context altogether.
Oh well, the affliction of growing up: being caught between freedom and security.

Don't know if this is the right way to feel, but I don't know what's stopping me too..

2007-05-07T23:41:00.000+08:00

http://www.sistic.com.sg/cms/events/index.html?content=947

sigh but i can't go.

oh well.

all you guitarists out there, you shouldn't miss this one!

2007-05-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

I acknowledge my shortcomings. My weaknesses. They stick into me like splinters.

We all are like that.

All I ask of you is to be patient. With me and others. To help.

And not to condemn people so quickly.

about cellists (:

2007-05-02T23:03:00.000+08:00

http://www.harrogate.co.uk/harrogate-band/humour40.htm

The cello section seems pleasant, and cellists seem like such nice people. The way they put their arms around their instruments, they look like parents at a day care center zipping up snowsuits. They seem like us: comfortable, mid-range, able to see both sides of things.

:)

Amazing Love

2007-05-01T22:52:00.000+08:00

And can it be that I should gain

An interest in the Savior's blood
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?
He left His Father's throne above,
so free, so infinite His grace!
Emptied Himself of all but love,
and bled for Adam's helpless race.
No condemnation now I dread;
I am my Lord's and He is mine:
Alive in Him, my living Head,
and clothed in righteousness divine.

Amazing love! How can it be that Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

2007-04-30T22:01:00.000+08:00

i sort of learnt how to play basketball today.

haha somehow playing ball games with a bunch of girls is alot more encouraging.

2007-04-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

lol?

-

Anyway, the great cellist Mstislav Rostropovich died yesterday. A great loss to the music and the world.

fear.

2007-04-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

To oli, i say: LOL.

Anyway, i was just blog-surfing and it occured to me how strange beings like us can be. Clicking on blogs are just like flipping pages of a book filled with personal pain, regret, sadness, depression, angst etc. It's one hell of a book, i must say; but i've got a feeling that when people start ranting online, they actually dont wanna post all of it in public - it's just something done out of impulse.

But the strange thing is this: if people can rant online so recklessly, why do they fear the human touch of sharing their problems with a friend, in person? It's the dilemma of msn: we scroll down our contact list and the occasional person does seem terribly depressed, judging from his personal message. But what do we do? We fear a curt response when we ask if he's all right, we fear that we don't know him well enough and hence do not have a right to show concern. So we merely scroll on and forget. Or do we?

The fear is so strange...even as u scroll down and fail to strike a conversation with one who needs it, something inside you longs for a conversation box to pop up.

What strange beings we are. Either that, or i'm in dire need of some catching-up.

2007-04-25T21:49:00.000+08:00

The ACS(Independent) Philharmonic College Orchestra 2007

2007-04-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

I went to school today deaf in my left ear. The flu I had last week filled my ear with stuff and the silly spray that i used yesterday did not dry up through the night... So when Mr Tan told me to email the chem prac to him by tonight, I heard email the chem prac to him by noon... rahh. Skipped recess and lunch and got upset for nothing. Anyway, went to the doctor and got it all flushed out. Thank God...

Anyway, stuff has been piling up ever since SYF. Just took stock of the pracs for chem and bio and realised i dont have quite a few... The last chance to submit my world lit outline it tomorrow and I'm too tired to do anything.

On a brighter note, if you like Sibelius symphonies, Rautavaara is good stuff. Similar Scandinavian feel, uninhibited by romantic harmony. Heavenly.

2007-04-21T00:21:00.001+08:00

i have a hunch something is wrong...

WHY HAS ALMOST EVERY GIRL I KNOW TOLD ME TO CHANGE MY HAIRSTYLE!?!?!?!

-

anyway, well done ACphil! lets look forward to the bigger things to come!

clean sweep!

2007-04-20T21:32:00.000+08:00

A CLEAN SWEEP!!

the ACS(I) Secondary Orchestra & ACS(I) College Orchestra have been awarded

GOLD WITH HONOURS

at the Singapore Youth Festival Central Judging 2007!

A big thank you to all who played for the music, and for God. To God be the glory, the best is yet to be :)

silver

2007-04-16T21:58:00.000+08:00

weeks of no training. praise God.

didnt do too B A A A A D ly.

wheee!

freeconeday tomorrow!

You Are God Alone

2007-04-11T22:03:00.000+08:00

You are not a god
Created by human hands
You are not a god
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, thats just the way it is

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne

You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And thats just the way it is

Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
Thats what You are

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vVAVFTczA3I

2007-04-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

How could I live without You
How could I survive
Without Your love
Without Your touch
You're the One that heals me
Cleanses my heart
And sets me free

Now i come right before You
With my hands lifted up
With my heart humbly bowed
At Your work on the cross
As You hung there and died
You were paying the price
For my life, For my life

For Your love is higher than the heavens
Deeper than the seas
And all I want is You in my life
No one else can satisfy my soul
Can make me feel this way
Only You Lord, only You

help me Oh Lord. heal me.

Your Name

2007-04-07T22:52:00.000+08:00

As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise
That rise from earth to touch Your heart
And glorify Your name

Your name is a strong and mighty tower
Your name is a shelter like no other
Your name let the nations sing it louder
Cos nothing has the power to save
but Your name

Jesus in Your name we pray
Come and fill our hearts today
Lord give us strength to live for You
And glorify Your name

Your name is a strong and mighty tower
Your name is a shelter like no other
Your name let the nations sing it louder
Cos nothing has the power to save
but Your name

Yesterday echoes.

2007-04-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

This post is long overdue, but it's for clement and the topic of conversation that preoccupied our minds the whole day that day.

~

I remember Kunming.

I remember how 42 sleepless hours felt, and how comfortable a straw mat and a concrete floor could be. I remember how the same food could taste so good day after day, and how precious the sight of water could be. I remember the simple joy of seeing the lights flicker, and the anticipation that preceded it. I remember how, in the absence of everything, I knew we already had more than we could ask for.

I can still taste the countless packets of Village Cow we ate; I can still see Clem squeeze a tube of chocolate on his favourite milk-flavoured ice cream. I can still hear the songs we sang to the cleft-lipped children; I still hear the guitar praisesong Josh played under that star-blanketed sky. I can still feel the warmth of the children's hands in mine, I can still see their initial fear and curiousity fade into lifelong familiarity.

I recall the wisdom those little teachers imparted to me. They knew how certain seeds and fruits were edible; they knew where to gather the most colourful of bouquets. They knew how to teach a game without using language; they knew how to make us find the inner, buried innocence. They knew every step and crevice of nature, they knew how to enjoy the mountain breeze. They knew joy through their wholehearted smiles, and they knew sadness through their full, heavy tears.

I remember the final moments before leaving. I remember the guilt of learning so much, and yet only leaving with them tangible, painted walls. I remember how it felt to have my first shower in days, as the children struggled to get by with all the water they could find. I remember how I realised that their simple joy of seeing a bulb glow may be reduced to an indifferent, plastic switch. I realised, with pain, how the lessons I learnt in that very special school will never be truly appreciated by people like us. People like us who only pursue for happiness.
We only pursue.

I remember, with sorrow, how I had to leave it all behind. But now, I remember how we left them with dear 'ngee', and I smile.

Joy always is, always has been, and always will be within us.

2007-03-25T22:36:00.000+08:00

Bohuslav Martinů (1890-1959).

oh i just love his symphonies. if i ever wrote music it would sound somewhat like that. a romantic force disguised by new harmony, and yet not all that new.

2007-03-19T22:44:00.000+08:00

Brahms must be laughing at me from wherever he is now...

I stayed up to 4am writing an essay about his First Symphony and its Beethovenian influences and I could be wrong altogether.

Anyway, its sort of done... finally.

-

Lord i've written down my specific requests. Please do answer soon.

guilty.

2007-03-15T23:47:00.000+08:00

Today was a rather weepy day. In Pursuit of Happiness, Will Smith asks himself why Jefferson included happiness in his declaration for democracy - it's a rather strange word to find in a formal document. But more importantly, he only mentioned the pursuit of it. Maybe 'it' cannot be attained, and we spend our entire lives chasing it; the 'it' that does not exist in this world.

Little kids. They can make or break you. Either that or i'm a sucker for those puppy eyes that kids have. Because i cried the most when the camera focused on little christopher's sad eyes.
Never cried so much in a long time.

Release of things inside.

I'm guilty. I'm the one who didn't give a smile, I'm the apathetic one on the bus. I'm the one who looks down at the road and walks, I'm the one who treats strangers like strangers and less like people. I'm the one you need to shoot. I'm guilty. I didn't dare make a difference.

2007-03-15T00:24:00.000+08:00

the cause of all these issues?

our own insecurities.

our own unwillingness to understand.

our own pride.

our own rigid uncompromising mindsets.

or rather,

everybody's.

God bless you all. peace be with you

2007-03-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

well so friday was cancelled...

but it was a fantastic concert! not perfect with manymany glitches actually, but the overall effect was there. many thanks to the current comm, mdc people, guest players, alumni, mr chan, teachers, winds, soloists etcetc....

shoujie and friends its been a pleasure to work with you!

well done to everyone, well done violas (though we ended up missing that bit int he 3rd mvt i doubt they heard it anyway) haha

now lets go make syf work!

=)

2007-03-05T23:22:00.000+08:00

they had better not cancel friday.

after all the work we put into this.

--------------------------------------------------------

ACS(I) Philharmonic Orchestra in Collaboration with SAF MDC and Central Band

March 9th and 10th

8pm, Singapore Conference Hall

Ma Hongye/Zheng Lu - Good News from Beijing reaches the Border Villages

Liu Tieshan/Ma Yue - Dance of the Yao People

Gerald Finzi - Clarinet Concerto [III. Rondo]

Chen Gang/He Zhanhao - Butterfly Lovers Concerto

Wu Houyuan - Red Plum Capriccio

Antonin Dvorak - Symphony No.9 in E minor, Op.95 "From the New World"

Ticket prices: $10, $16, $20

2007-03-01T23:31:00.000+08:00

i still remember clearly the evening i first heard a recording of heifetz's playing, about two years back. i had gone to borders to look around and had come out with one of those naxos historical cds. at that time i didnt know much about music and had bought it because i had heard mendelssohn's violin concerto in mep class and it fascinated me. not for the violinist. i had listened to it in the car on the way home and it had a profound impact on me. the slides and phrasing, something unexplainable. the 'line' they call it. and the sheer speed and dexterity with pinpoint accuracy. it was the first time i heard music that had a voice to it. a message. that won my heart.

keeping the faith.

2007-03-01T20:20:00.000+08:00

When the day was being rainy, bryan, losh and i were watching a show called "Keeping the Faith". You know, those kinda shows that u rent when u randomly look through the dvd selection in the library. It was quite random indeed - we just borrowed it cos ben stiller was on the cover. And we all know he's funny.

But one scene stays in my mind.

Jake the rabbi (aka Ben Stiller) goes up to the pulpit and addresses his congregation. It is the day of atonement, a special day on the Jewish calendar. He goes up and states that he is not going to cram a year's worth of sermons into these few hours like most rabbis do; he wants to talk about something more personal. In front of at least a thousand people, he confesses that he is in love with a non-jewish girl. There're gasps and exclamations among the congregation. The respect of a thousand people stands still and fragile in that moment. Regardless of this, he goes on to apologize. He apologizes for not being the rabbi the congregation deserves. For many months, they have shared their problems with him, but he has never related his problems to them. They had faith in him, but he did not have faith in them. And so he says sorry.

When i ended the brief phone call with my mum, this scene flashed in my memory. Then i thought to myself: maybe this is where the problem lies. The double life.

February - The big 2

2007-03-01T15:21:00.000+08:00

February - Into the second month of the year, the pressure is on,the stress is coming in and I'm not really coping well.

Chinese New Year - First thing on the list, of course i wont forget about it. The meeting up part with relatives is the nicest, especially spending time with my cousin who came back from Australia. The visiting hasnt really ended yet, I guess Im lucky to have so many people around me now compared to some. Eating sucks big time for the first time, and i still dont like to explain how IB or rather year 5 is all about. Its so new to them. Main achievement for next year is to actually know who gave which hongbao since we always mix them up into one big pile (partly to know how much they put inside =P )

Orchestra - Something really bad happened at the start of the month, i cant believe its still in my head. I also have no idea if things got worst or became better, i just dont know. Of course im thinking of lots of retarded things now and then. 2 orchestra, 2 (or 3) groups of people, its like a super big gap in between, and i know theres something in the middle, just that they dont want to let me know about it. Apart from this, the new arrangement for college is nice, i like it. Secondary orchestra is so much better now. I think its us that needs to put in so much more effort. March concert's like so close now, the mood is so much different compared to last year. Hope everything will turn our fine.

Class - Compared to most of the classes we are counted as the least bonded (or something like that). I mean there will be groups of people, and these groups never come together for whatever reasons. Thats why i said i didnt like the fact that whole class is full of people with completely different subject combinations. We dont even have lessons together. In fact there are some people who arent in any of my classes. Max is 5, minimum - 0 (not even TOK or PC). Its just so sad, people usually graduate remembering their jc classmates and having them as friends for life. I seriously doubt that this will happen to me (only for some people). You cant really help it because you you dont even spent time with them at all. So close yet so far...

School - Math has definitely become the number 1 subject. I totally disagree to the fact that all subjects are equal. No way I'm going to think this way. Chinese oral has become so different from last year. Business class is nice. Music's just interesting. Also very different from last year. Learning lots of HL stuff in chem, I have finally concluded its actually a good thing, though our class is the slowest in the cohort. I just hope that some miracle will happen to my science.

Others - 2 main highlights of the month, 2 thats still stuck in my mind, but not necessarily worth remembering - the big two. O level results for music and higher chinese, a one and a six. Yay for the one, i dont know about the six. I was expecting myself not to do well, but not expecting it to be that bad. Not as if I never put in any effort in studying, since i would have forgotten completely about it if i didnt. Results always meant very little to me. I will most probably forget about it after some time, even if its very good... You can guess the second highlight for yourself. It was on the 14th, no more details. I still have no idea why you all like to do these kind of things.

My brother's 18th birthday just passed, wishing him all the best for his A levels =P March holidays are more or less gone due to the rehearsals. One done and one failed, 8 more resolutions in 10 more months, I still cant believe i failed. Thats all i can remember for the month. The rest shall either be kept to me and myself only, or they can be history. Haha.

Dreams do come true, always believe. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

2007-02-24T23:19:00.000+08:00

Pathetique

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Cite This Source

The adjective Pathétique, from the French, denoted a feeling of passion and sorrow in Ancient Greek, and was used by several composers as a name for works they deemed passionate and sorrowful.

Well-known examples are:

Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 8, in C minor (Op.13), entitled Pathétique by the composer
Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 6, in B minor (Op.74), also entitled Pathétique (by the composer's younger brother Modest)

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why. am i never good enough?

qt.

2007-02-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

Be strong! It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day how long;
Faint not—fight on!
Tomorrow comes the song.
—Babcock

Taken from Our Daily Bread 18th Feb 07

2007-02-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

there are a few scores i hope to own very soon...

Rachmaninov Symphony No.2 in E minor, Op.27
Tchaikovsky Symphony No.6 in B minor, Op.73 "Pathetique"
all the Brahms symphonies
Schumann Symphony No.1 in B flat major, Op.38 "Spring"

yepp

crap i havent learnt the dvorak9 yet. SAMUEL FASTER PASS ME THE SCORES TMR!!!!!! thanks! haha

2007-02-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

thanks 6.8!

chinatown on new year's eve was a blast!

God bless you all!

struggle.

2007-02-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

responsibility.

pain.

workload.

one of the main reasons why i enjoy my runs even though i get burns and burning thighs is because during these particular times i experience a kind of timelessness, being lost in motion, even as i pass the track round and round and round and round.

running is so much like life, like i always tell carl. thanks for being the running kaki, always the encourager and the person to push people on. the length of the run is the race of life. you start, eager with anticipation, hopeful for a good workout. as you progress, you get weaker, and negative thoughts get into your head. 'I'll never make the 10 rounds', 'I better stop at 8', 'why didnt I sleep earlier yesterday, I dont have the energy to complete the run'. these thoughts are like the trials that get us down in life. especially when things dont go the way you would like them to be. but all in all, when you are able to overcome, when you cross the finishing line, you have achieved something. it is then you can say you are victorious, just like at the end of our lives, we would then say with confidence that we have persevered, fought the good fight, ran the race, kept the faith. how wonderful it would be, to be smiling at the end of it all.

Lord grant that I may forgive, overcome, and let go.

thanks keith dongs dan for the company and the cooking today, xide for opening your house, and for a great class party. will post our culinary pics soon.

lost.

2007-02-16T19:30:00.000+08:00

i've not a good orator.

and the language i speak in,

requires precise fluency.

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maybe it was the way i said it.

GOD I AM SUCH A MESS. I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START. PLS DO SOMETHING COS I CANT